Tuesday, December 3, 2013

in my day, they had co-ed naked and big johnson

Lately I have been feeling super uninspired and completely devoid of topics that I feel are worthy of elaboration. [Tangent: This week marks some dark anniversaries for me, so I am trying to keep things light and playful and fun.] I missed the boat on writing anything of substance about Thanksgiving. Sorry guys. There was turkey. There was family. There were Portuguese water dogs. There were leftovers. There was terrible bloating from aforementioned leftovers. Tale as old as time, right?

However, my biggest takeaway from the holiday, besides the obvious thankfulness and green bean casserole and whatnot, was that the 90's was definitely the hay day of stupid and mostly not subtly vulgar kiosk t-shirts. [Tangent: OK, your mind is reeling, so let me connect the dots from Point A (Thanksgiving) to Point B (tacky t-shirts). The weekend after my family thanksgiving, I did a "friendsgiving" with some of my friends from trivia. We played a really fun game that consisted of completing sentences and then guessing who said what. One of the questions was "what would you not wear to a funeral?" and after ruling out a couple answers, I said "Big Johnson T-shirt". This led to some furious googling and explaining to those that were unfamiliar what they were. Hilarity ensued.] Kids today are just deprived of such ensembles. 

When I was younger there were so many 100% cotton ways to show your peers that you were, in fact, awesome: No Fear, Big Dog, Hypercolor. You role up to 2nd period in a Peace Frogs shirt- people took notice. [Tangent: Because I wasn't awesome, no one took notice, I never had any of these. :( I think I may have had a Peace Frogs sticker on my 5-Star, but I was on my parent's payroll and there was no way in hell that they were gonna spend $20 on a t-shirt. My frugality comes honestly.]


If you wanted to tell people that you were not only awesome, but in fact were gettin' some (but probably not) then you had options too: Big Johnson and Co-ed Naked. I'm pretty sure that they became banned in our school system (rightfully so), but that didn't stop Gadzooks and Spencer's from cranking them out and dispensing them to horny 15-year-old boys nationwide. Also, I can't promise preteen Kimmie didn't totally have crushes on boys that owned the following...thank god times have changed [WARNING: I apologize in advance for the terrible double entendres that are about to ensue. To be honest, I picked the "classiest" ones, if you wanna fall down the rabbit hole and see more (more raw, uncut options), click here or here. .  Please for the love don't simply google "coed naked" or "big johnson" without specifying...because you will not get t-shirts. You've been warned] :





So yeah those exist, and people in some circles still wear them and find them incredibly witty. So, here is my question: since hipsters are totally co-opting 90s chic in their present fashion donning flannels and combat boots, is it only a matter of time before these relics reemerge into the zeitgeist? If they do, I totally called it...but am sad about humanity.

19 comments:

  1. Oh goodness...those Big Johnson shirts made me gag a little. Those should be buried underground in an area where sewer runoff is prone to go.

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    1. They are terrible. Like terrible terrible. I didn't remember them being so dirty till we went back and read through the slogans. These are the "clean" ones 

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  2. I wore lots of tees in high school but I'm a little older so mine was the era of skin-tight, low-cut shirts with cheesy, suggestive sayings like "So many men, so little time". Hipster or not, I think anyone over 25 looks pretty ridiculous wearing a "message" tee.

    Alicia

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    1. These are all awful. I had one in high school college that said brunettes have more fun. ...i think it was off the shoulder. I could be wrong

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  3. Wow... I had totally forgotten about those. I had always wanted a hypercolor shirt. The closest I came was a shirt with bugs bunny wearing a hypercolor. I thought I was so cool. Ahh... delusion.

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  4. I had forgotten about these. They are terrible. I can't believe you've seen them on people nowadays.

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    1. I haven't yet...but I am sure they are running around. They are on ebay for sure.
      WE LOOKED!

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  5. What about Looney Toons characters wearing gangsta clothes? Why was that ever cool?

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    1. Why are you the second person today who has mentioned these to me. I never was cool enough for them even during my 5th grade stage of wearing only cartoon character tees. My prize piece: My pebbles and Bam Bam shirt.

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  6. I was so square that I remained blissfully unaware of big Johnson and coed naked tshirts...until now. I'm with you; I never had "cool" shirts...maybe one time, and it was probably a hand me down.

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  7. i LOVED peace frogs! SO MUCH. i kept a list of the ones i wanted and always visited that little cart at the cool springs mall (it was close to the pog cart!) i only ever had one though. it was a dr. seuss ish one that said "one frog two frog red frog blue frog) and was so dumb! Oh wait, now that i think of it i also had a tye dye one with a spiral of the titular peace frogs! hahaha! oh geeeeeze. i thought they were so cool. i also had a monkees shirt that i ordered from seventeen magazine. at least that one was actually pretty cool

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    1. Yes!!! It had prime real estate right when you walked off the upstairs elevator!! I know it well

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    2. In 8th grade my friend had a tie dyed Grateful Dead shirt that I seriously contemplated and even mapped out my plan for stealing.
      I was ready to lose the friendship over that shirt....
      Glad I didn't do it ;)
      I think it's awesome that ya'll have inter-connected memories from childhood.... the only blogger who ever crossed tracks with me was Bri Lamkin at The Secret Life of Bee back before she moved. I tried to share excitement with her when she'd post pics from resale shops I knew around Houston... but she was too cool for even the tiniest response. Guess 4,000 followers will do that to a gal ;)
      I love the bloggers who interact.

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  8. Hahaha, quite the trip down memory lane, this post. I remember seeing this stuff EVERYWHERE!

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    1. I know! It WAS EVERYWHERE. I am just waiting for them to swing back into fashion. hahah. Not because I want to wear them but because I want to be startled when I see it on the streets.

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  9. I have absolutely no memory of this. Sorry if I blew you off. It wasn't intentional.

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  10. Bri Lamkin!! Do you read Kimmie's blog?! Or did you somehow search your name and end up here? So random..... No apology needed, you really don't owe anybody nothin I guess. The internet isn't bound by the same social etiquette as real life. Learning that more and more...... If you aren't already following, this blog is HILARIOUS.

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