Friday, January 31, 2014

#ThrowbackThursday (a day late)

OK. You all can officially stone me/burn me at the stake for using a hashtag in my title. I am 100% deserving of it. Also, I did start writing this on a Thursday, so it's semi-accurate. I haven't just lost grasp on how calendars work.

Over the last year or so, I have several times posted amusing things I've found lingering around my childhood home. [Tangent: There are a few examples here here here and here.] Since my dad's passing, my mom has done a lot of cleaning and purging and we are starting to come to terms with all the ridiculous hoarding that was taking place. [Tangent: No...its not gross hoarding. There's no fecal matter or animal carcasses hiding under piles of newspaper. We just have one too many junk drawers and boxes of miscellaneous "god knows what." My parents were always really resourceful and so throwing stuff away that "could" be of help oneday made them cringe.]

Perhaps the most amusing to me was a big box of warranties and instruction manuals...for everything our family has ever owned....ever. [Tangent: I cannot say I am above this behavior. My father must have trained me well, because I have a similar file folder in my bedroom. Naturally, my parents lived in this home for 33 years, so they have decades and many more purchases on me. My assemblage of warranties for gameboys and discmen and cordless phones is probably far less impressive.]

Anyway, some of these items from the long forgotten box were really really amusing to me... either because of the artwork, subject matter or just absurdity of the product. All of these items have long ago gone off to goodwill heaven (probably in the mid 90s), but their manuals live on. Also, I recognize that you probably will not share my misplaced enthusiasm, but who the hell cares! THIS IS MY BLOG!

Exhibit A: I know I have mentioned before here that my parents had all harvest gold appliances when I growing up. I know that whole midcentury modern kitsch thing is very hot now, but it wasn't in the late 80s/early 90s when we were still rocking all yellow appliances. I wish my mom still had them though, because look how happy they make this fridge model!!!

She seems so extremely stoked to be checking the crisper and wiping off the shelves. It made me giggle thinking about how this photoshoot went down. "Okay...Work the ice maker. Now, give me a little over the shoulder sexy. No. Not too much." and "Pam! Give me some bedroom eyes while holding that turkey."

Exhibit B: Oh don't worry, there are more awkward vintage instruction manual models in the mix. The misplaced excitement of the fridge spokesmodel can only be matched by these joyous jai alai players. [Tangent: To be honest, we always just called this scoops when I was little, but many a spanish textbook has told me that it indeed called "Jai Alai."  That term makes me sound like I know what I am talking about somewhat, even though it's clear I know nada about anything athletic related.]

This instruction seems superfluous. It's a wiffle ball and plastic scoop. It seems pretty cut and dry, even though the blonde doesn't seem dressed for rough housing.

Exhibit C: Even though it has been years since I have even known where my Teddy Ruxpin found his eternal resting place [Tangent: And I am now curious whether my brother's cassingle of Metallica's Enter Sandman was still placed in his back.] my dear mother held on to his included paperwork.

Just imagining the horror associated with bathing with Mr. Ruxpin made me laugh hysterically. I am terrible.

If only I could still get that poster!! Should I still try? Is the world of wonder corporation still in business? Probably not. [Tangent: Of course I tried to google what this mysterious poster looked like and I stumbled across this gem from PETA.]

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

hair care gets dirty: the no poo method and naked products

I always hesitate to write these kinds of posts, because I feel like there are a lot of you reading this who are about to judge the hell out of me, but sometimes I just feel the need to over share. Occasionally (READ: OFTEN), I just don't feel like showering. [Tangent: I used to think I was alone, but then this post became one of my most popular and I had lots of people skitter out of the woodwork and emphatically yell, "ME TOO!"] It's winter, which means my skin is cracking off like a magic shell and my hair is so crazy with static that I am a moustache away from looking like a certain German born physisist. This look prevails even after I'm freshly I start to think what's the point?

I'm not saying I don't shower, but the will to shower more than 3x a week diminishes in the winter and I am completely at peace with that decision. [Tangent: The dermatologist has repeatedly told me I can protect my skin by taking cold showers, but that prospect bums me out. WHO WANTS A COLD SHOWER? If the water from my showerhead is not 1000 degrees like a flood of hot magma, then I am simply not interested. If this means taking them 3 hot showers a week or 7 lukewarm ones, then clearly that's a no brainer. Dirty bird it is.] Lately I have found, through the Internet and other avenues, that I am not alone. In fact Jezebel recently ran this article where medical professionals weighed in on how often you really need to shower. Spoiler alert: It is pretty inconclusive, but there are definitely merits to spacing out your showers and letting the oils in  your body do what they were programmed to do.  I also share these words of wisdom from my friend Laura.

I've also gotten very much intrigued with the "no poo" method [Tangent: Because I am inherently 12, the name makes me giggle, but it's short for "No Shampoo." You can read about it here in more detail.] According to Inside Edition and the Internet, this is the hot new thing. [Tangent: Is it a problem that those are my news sources?]] Frankly, I am not earth mothery enough to totally ditch my shampoo, but like I have written about before, integrating a half vinegar/half water rinse into your shower routine (once a week) makes your follicles really happy and awesome feeling.  [Tangent: Just keep it out of your eyes. That acidic nonsense smarts!] I still couldn't go cold turkey.

As a happy medium, I have just decided to try the Herbal Essence new naked line of products. They are all paraben-free, use mostly natural ingredients and don't leave a lot of residue. AND BEST OF ALL- THEY SMELL DELIGHTFUL! [Tangent: I can't be the only human who opens the packaging and sniffs all my options in the aisles of Target before concluding which hair products to purchase. I have been burned too many times by skipping this step and then having to deal hair that smells like a grandmother's sock drawer until the bottle runs out. Never Forget.]  Of course I picked up their conditioner and their dry shampoo, especially after I learned it had a citrus/mint scent. SIGN ME UP!

For about a week, I have been using the Naked conditioner, and I do notice that my hair remains cleaner longer. It's not like day 1 is my only good hair day....I can get a couple days of my hair looking decent. But the real magic is the dry shampoo. As ya'll know, I will try just about any dry shampoo. [Tangent: Currently, this is my rotation to find the best.]

 As shown by my app-happy depiction above, truly the Herbal Essence Naked variety of dry shampoo is my new favorite. [Tangent: I am not saying that in hopes of someone at Herbal Essences reading this blog and sending my a life supply of Naked products...but if that happens, so be it!] When I find something I get excited about, I feel the need to share and this stuff thrills me to bits. This dry shampoo hits the key high points.

  1. It smells incredible. You can smell the citrus and the peppermint oil, and I LOVE IT. It doesn't have that traditional soapy scent that most dry shampoo has. It just smells like a fancy dancy hair product or a light body splash. 
  2. I feel like I am doing my body right by using something natural. Ever since working with Super Black lacquers and starting to use some products from Whole Foods Body, I've become slightly more conscious of this kind of stuff. It doesn't mean I am gonna start healing myself with crystals or giving up meat, I am just taking baby steps towards understanding the benefits of going more natural. 
  3.  There is zero film on my hair right now. I'm not sure if its the applicator or the substance itself, but I really love that I can run my fingers through it without feeling super matte and matted. It just feels like my hair...only cleaner. Here is my super flattering before and after. 
so flattering. Clearly selfies are not my strong suit. I'm old and should have put makeup on.

Please tell me I am not alone on this. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

ya'll are the cat's pajamas

My mind is all over the place lately. Maybe it is all the coffee in my system or the questionable breakfast burrito or the fact that I am trying to mentally check things off a to-do list (that for whatever reason I refuse to write down. ) However, I felt the need to log in and jot something down and pretend it has some substance. Humor me, guys! 

If nothing else I need to celebrate the fact that this weekend I hit some major milestones in blogging. The Facebook page for That Girl in The Wheelchair got its 425th "like" [Tangent: Sure, that's not notable number to most. (Especially considering "Dear Pringles, I cannot fit my hand into your tube of deliciousness" boasts 1.1 million facebook fans.), but it's a round number and way more than I ever expected...especially since a lot of those people are not my friends, so thus not obligated to like and support my endeavors.] On this same day, my overall page views surpassed 300,000. Again, I'm sure the Pioneer Women and Tavi Gevinsons of the world find that laughable...but oh well...I am still insanely proud of it, especially given I was a total baby when I first started blogging and have figured most things out through trial and error. [Tangent: Even if I am almost positive my likeness is probably being used as part of some Russian ponzi scheme, because the amount of soviet traffic I get is unreal, it's still a big deal.] Here is how I feel about it: 

 Also this month, I started writing for Nerds and Nomsese about once a week. My third piece will be published in a few days, but you can catch up by reading my Inside  Llewyn Davis Review and Green Gummy Bear Expose by clicking on those links. [Tangent: Not to keep you on pins and needles too terribly much, but this week's feature will involve me turning Steve Harvey into a drag queen. How's that for a cliffhanger?] Writing for someone else is 8000x more stressful than doing this blog, even though everyone is super cool and laid back, I still am self-conscious because other people's names and credibility are getting roped into my ramblings. Also, to my fellow bloggers, they are always on the lookout for new perspectives on all things foodie and nerdy, so let me know if you have an idea you wanna pitch,  I'll do my best to push it through.  

As if that wasn't enough for progress and pats on the back, last week I made a big step. I talked to an editor/author/semi important book person on the phone. [Tangent/Plug time: She wrote The Able Life of Cody Jane - Still Celebrating as well as had a hand in TONS of other projects.] She was recommended to me by a reader/published author named Sarah [Tangent/Plug time: Sarah wrote this book. And did I mention I have some of the most badass readers ever who write me emails and give me suggestions and funny Saved By the Bell videos as well as writing tips. Yeah. You all get me. ]. Although the prospect of talking to a pro was INCREDIBLY daunting, these new allies have been  amazingly helpful, supportive and so fun. I'm feeling empowered with these senseis on this whole working toward getting published outside the blogosphere thing. I'm sure to pick their brains again once I get some more written that I feel totally confident in. Finally!  I am getting out of this headspace:

So basially, long story short, thanks guys for reading and giving a damn and not judging me (too much). You are sincerely the cat's pajamas. To express my gratitude, here are literally some cats in pajamas. 

c/o this site
c/o this site 

c/o this site
from this video

Thanks google images, you once again, delivered. 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

come on, eileen! (gmail be crazy: episode 2)

OK, for all those that read my post yesterday, you are aware that (without even trying) my Internet activities have been Twilight Zone crazy as of late. I'm not sure if I am being the victim of identity theft or if GMail is just taking some hallucinogens due to their changes in policy lately. [Tangent: You can read the hows and whys about that HERE. Basically, the Cliff's Notes version is that Gmail has made some updates so someone can contact you or show up in your contacts even if you have never shared correspondence with them.] A little over a week ago, I cuddled in with my laptop to check my email and I got a little *BLURP * signifying a Gchat message. [Tangent: I have only a handful of people I use Gchat with, and to be honest, it is pretty infrequent, so I found this notification a little surprising.] At the time, I was not aware of the changes, or aware that my Gmail account could be easily shape shifted into a circa 2002 chat room....UGH!

notice I have been nice and blocked out the last name to protect the perverted
At this point in the conversation, I just started laughing hysterically. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS FIND ME!?!??! The very brief conversation went on where this Eileen person [Tangent: I dare you not to make a Dexy's Midnight Runners joke...because it is near impossible.] just kept asking me if I wanted to see scandalous pictures or if I wanted to put my *BLANK* in her *BLANK* which I said a definitely "No! Please god NO!" and then explained to her that I don't have a *BLANK* so her concepts were anatomically impossible. Basically, she was barking up the wrong email address, so I blocked her in hopes she could find love elsewhere.

I felt so violated...I mean when I logged in, I expected to be met with a barrage of junk mail from Old Navy and,; I didn't anticipate being cyber molested by a stranger. Gmail, Seriously? I am not a fan of these changes. Some sacred space is needed on the internet...if I was into this sort of random stranger danger, I would build myself a time machine, go back to the year 2000 and go into an AOL chat room.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

matchmaker, matchmaker- make me a match (aka gmail be crazy: episode 1)

Maybe it's because I watch too much television, but sometimes I feel like my life is one big episode of What Would You Do? [Tangent: To clarify, I'm speaking of the What Would You Do? that is on ABC  on Friday nights and not the What Would You Do? that aired in the 90's on Nickelodeon and was hosted by Mark Summers. Drastically different format, but both are equally absurd.] On a daily basis, at any given moment, something happens that leaves me waiting for John Quiñones to pop around the corner, armed with a gaggle of cameras, busting me amid a moral dilemma. [Tangent: I watch this show a lot with Jamie...mostly because it tickles the snot out of us to see how many people lose their minds over John Quiñones like they are seeing Jesus walk on water. Let's call a spade a spade, he is just a kindly journalist in the middle of a diner where a woman is loudly berating her child.] 

 Let's state the obvious: I have a very generic name. Because of my popular name, I have gotten VERY accustomed to cases of mistaken identity. [Tangent: My favorite is that the other girl that shared my name in high school was a cheerleader...and at least once a year I would get her messages from student services regarding tumbling practice. NOPE.  I guess it seems silly to assume that surely I am safe from this kind of stuff on gmail. WRONG!

 For about two years, I have randomly been getting pictures sent from a cell phone and/or car insurance inquiries that were clearly sent to the wrong email address and not intended for my eyes. [Tangent: I wish I could say the pictures were scandalous..but they weren't. My name twins are equally boring. The snapped pics were mostly of a group of people sitting around a table at O'Charley's or of a girl giving massages (not sexy ones) as part of a massage therapy/PT class. Yawn. Not what one would hope...this girl is no Carlos Danger.]  Usually I just reply with "You have gotten the wrong person, please remove me from this mailing list. Please and thank you."...unless, of course, you get in your inbox the following: 

 This was all followed by several email saying "Matches are waiting for you!" Oh my, how tempting is this? [Tangent: Because I am taken, clearly I am not gonna be signing up for a paid dating website, but damned if I don't think scouring some singles ads would be pretty amusing.] Seriously, fate could have not sent me a more entertaining present if it had tried.

As much as I would love to totally start Catfishing for kick, I don't have time for more side projects in my life, so I figured what could the harm be in looking at these matches and see what singles in Texas are looking for? [Tangent: I reckon I will have to find another way to meet Nev and Max.]  I'm NOT gonna change anything or respond to any messages (AS MUCH AS THAT PAINS ME!) but her name and password is RIGHT THERE!!!! After looking over my shoulder for the shit eating grin of John Quinones, I logged in and learned that my doppelganger was a tall black divorcee. Yep, that's me.

Really all I cared about was to see what kind of gents were trying to meet the other "me." Although they listed other interests, it was clear most of them loved taking mirror selfies, using run-on sentence and misspelling adjectives [Tangent: We all make typos (I DO IT ALL THE TIME...probably in this post), but seriously dude, you're 30 and trying to impress the opposite sex, you should be able to correctly spell the word "handsome."]. Others preferred using really strange anecdotes to be alluring:
"Its kind of funny to me that I've always liked wearing western wear."

 "[love to wake to] the sounds of the horse I can see outside my bedroom Window."
 All of this being nosy  makes me pretty glad I am happily off the market, especially if this is the wasteland that awaits singles on dating sites. I did, however, find one contender worthy of someone that shares my name. So, hey, other Kimmie- if you are reading this, give the middle school teacher from Ft. Worth a shout. He seems like good peeps. 

Stay tuned for part two...because gmail has been running OFF THE RAILS lately. If you have had similar experiences of mistaken identity...of course, I wanna hear 'em!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

great girls in wheelchairs: VC Andrews edition

Hey guys, remember me? I am that blogger you know that has been really inconsistent lately! Oh hi there, now you recall. Anyway, I have actually been really busy actually going out and doing stuff and not being a sweatshirt wearing hermit...all events which I have scheduled to write about...but first we need to start with the most crucial and groundbreaking occurrence of the past week: Did ya'll watch Flowers in the Attic this weekend on Lifetime? [Tangent: Yeah...this is another VC Andrews post. Here is the first one if you wanna binge read.]

 It was a Lifetime Television for Women event after all...those shouldn't be taken with featherweight lightness. [Tangent: To be quite honest, I didn't watch it live, because I was out on the town Saturday night for a friend's birthday and my cable was out for 3 days. After I had a come  to Jesus with the AT&T U-Verse tech, I seriously wanted her to track me down screeners for all the programming that my DVR had to miss during the outage. (Sure I could watch the Drake episode of SNL online, but I wanted them to really pay for my inconvenience.) I am a terrible, terrible spoiled brat.] Although nothing could live up to the decadent pomp and circumstance that I had prepared in my head for this oddly incestuous rich people teen drama [Tangent: My search terms are sure to go off the rails with that phrase. Have a field day, internet freaks.], I thought it did a good job of adhering to the story (as best I can remember from reading it 20 years ago) and keeping in all the creepy American gothic elements. [Tangent: I cannot decide if Ellen Burstyn gives me the heebie jeebies more in this or in Requiem for a Dream. It is definitely a 6 in one hand/half dozen in the other situation. 

even though these are blurry, your dreams are forever haunted, right?

 That beautiful classy actress can be a terrifying bitch...and I love every second of it.  In fact, while watching it each time she acted insane, Jamie said, "#badgrandma" which is the ridiculous hashtag that Lifetime had concocted to promote the movie in social media. It seemed a bit of an understatement. It would be like calling Hitler a "meanie."] Overall, Heather Graham was semi-abysmal and made me long for her days of playing Mercedes Lane in License to Drive, but the kids were good and the story was enjoyable in the sadistic and opulent way you enjoy Soap Operas or movies like Mommie Dearest or What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? [Tangent: Years ago, my sister and I discussed making the latter into our Halloween costume because it revolves around a disabled woman and her seemed perfect when we spent every Halloween at a gay friendly establishment where my best friend worked at the time. Only that demographic would fully appreciate a costume revolving around a Bette Davis movie. Now I know only 1% of people would care. ] I mean come on's from Lifetime. These are the people who brought you Liz and Dick!

The good thing about all the premiere of the Flowers in the Attic movie and the groundswell of VC Andrews related hoopla in the media (at least the media I pay attention to. i.e. the Internet and Entertainment Weekly) is that I learned a couple crucial facts that I didn't know.

1. VC Andrews really only wrote a handful of VC Andrews books. After her death, in 1986, a dude took over the reigns and kept her legacy of tangled dark drama alive! How is that for crazy...most of the books that bore her name were written by a male...a straight male for that matter! CRAZY.

2. She was in a wheelchair! [Tangent: From what I have read, she had arthritis and thus was in a wheelchair nearly full-time. Her mother was her caretaker and they had a very strange relationship. She dedicated Flowers in the Attic to her mom. Analyze that, psych majors!] HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!? Ol' VC was a fellow "girl in a wheelchair" who liked to write about twisted nonsense! Clearly she is my spirit guide...her and FDR. What a def posse I roll with...literally.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

round 5 as a bridesmaid

Over the Christmas holiday, I got some fun news. I am gonna be a bridesmaid...again...this time for my friend Alex! This will be my 5th time donning a matching dress and holding flowers and I am getting semi-pro at this point. [Tangent: Real talk time- for anyone who has been a bridesmaid past the age of 25, the thrill kinda wears off. It can be a draining, friendship straining exercise, so I have never been one of those that is offended if someone doesn't ask me to be in their wedding. It's expensive and depending on the situation, can be like a part-time job. Showers. Bachelorettes. Favor crafting meetups. Hair appointments. Depending on the bride, it's a lot to sign on for.  This isn't to say I don't love it- I am a glutton for punishment after all. Depsite all the headaches, it is super fun to be VIP at a wedding and get to be around for all the prep and backstage stuff. It's the matrimonial equivalent of being a roadie. I highly recommend it and am excited to do it again.]

Since being in my first wedding 10 years ago, I have certainly run the gammut of dresses and had my fair share of prom hair. Here's a cavalcade of my bridesmaid looks thusfar!

If anything i have learned a few key tips.

1. Champagne...have it handy. It an calm a bride and ease stress....and can pretty much solve any issue.
2. Have food around. [Tangent: See #1, you will need something on your belly)
3. Pick your battles and don't bitch about the dress. Ok, I totally get are paying for a dress normally that you will never ever ever wear again. [Tangent: No matter how many times someone tells you that you can hem a dress and wear it again...know that probably isn't going to happen. If you are in a traditional bridesmaid's dress...the fabric is pretty much guaranteed to be something that isn't appropriate for anything other than a wedding. Unless you go to a lot of proms recreationally...then I worry about your psyche.] That's kind of par for the course of being in a wedding. If you can't shell out the money, politely decline the invite...because no bride wants to hear you bitch.
4. If you have a long dress, don't wear fact wear glorified bedroom slippers if you one is gonna know and your tootsies will thank you. Unless of course  the bride cares, then sucks for ya.
5. Don't blow all your budget on alterations. Find a friend of family member that sews. That stuff can make a $100 dress easily $200. 

Hope that helps. This one seems pretty low key and I'll get to wear my flea market cowboy boots with a dress that makes me look like an adorable cupcake! It's gonna be a pinterest-y country chic wedding, ya'll! Thanks Alex and David for including me in the fun.

Monday, January 13, 2014

this and that...that and this... and some shakespeare

Today, I was trying to come up with something to write about and was kinda at a loss. Writer's block has kinda hit me square in the face like it's a paint can and  I am one of the wet bandits en route up the stairs.

[Tangent: Yes. All of my similes are 20 years old. Also, while I'm in a tangent, can we just for a minute discuss Macauley Culkin and his pizza themed Velvet Underground "cover" band.] This is a problem because I am writing for two different sites seriously, I need to get my shit 5 minutes ago.

Lots of stuff has been going on and so technically, I should be busting wide open with ideas, but everything seems incredbly dumb. For this reason I decided to just sit down and write and see what poured out of me. Right when I got out the laptop, I saw that one of my fellow BHS c/o '01'ers had tagged me on instagram [Tangent: Thanks Shannon!] ....that is what she tagged me in.

this was clearly taken in a bathroom stall..where people think of Kimmie.

 Wait, what? OK, I am not a football fan, but I know Eddie George is a former Titan...and not the first to come to mind when I think of the Moor of Venice. I am baffled but secretly love this terribly conceived Nashville-centric casting. Fingers crossed Iago is being played by Bob Mueller and Desdemona is gonna be the former Watson's pool girl. Oh. My. God. CAN YOU IMAGINE!?!??! I know this is but a pipe dream...but hey it could happen. That's at least what I am telling myself. Who else would you cast? [Tangent: I am fully aware that those of you not from Nashville are really confused. Sorry bout it.]

As you can  imagine this took precedence over everything I may have thought was worth addressing with good reason. I gotta let this simmer and hopefully I will be over this block in a day or so

Thursday, January 9, 2014

my new side gig

Have I mentioned how much I love it when ya'll leave comments? I do. Like a lot. Sometimes I get the impression that I am shooting this blog out into the ether, and because I am,, I just assume no one is reading it [Tangent: If my stats are high on a given day, I assume that something notable in the news has happened with another "girl in wheelchair" and people are just getting lost or that once again, some Russian Porn site has somehow hacked me. It happens.]. That is unless someone tells me they read it.  In which case, I immediately get that weird mix of excitement and embarrassment. [Tangent: Especially if it is someone I respect or who holds me in some kind of professional esteem, in which case I immediately get that internal microfiche going and wonder how many times I cussed or talked about something trivial to most, like the family dynamics on Full House. ] Well, these very comments are the way I found my newest project.

Yesterday, on my facebook page I broke the news that starting next week, I will be posting several times a month at my new home away from home, Nerds and Nomsense. I found out about this corner of the internet from one of N&N's bloggers who commented on several of my posts. [Tangent: Be forewarned that if you comment more than once, I will totally reverse stalk you and if you have a blog- I will check it out. Trust that this has led me to some awesome and horrifying places! Ask me about it later.] I started following them in social media and soon learned that they were looking for fresh blood, so I threw my hat into the ring and they pulled me in. [Tangent: Read my hastily fashioned bio here! Yeah, it is really hard to write a bio. I think my own personal hell would be to write my own bio over and over and over and over again. ]
 Nerds and Nomsense is a newer blog, but it seems like a fun forum for food and frivolity and fans of DIY. [Tangent: Yeah...I like alliteration. What of it?] A core group of bloggers from all over these 50 nifty United States contribute recipes and entertainment/pop culture pieces. I warned them that I don't really cook and I have only ever read one Harry Potter book  [Tangent: And that was for a paper. Also, that I had never seen Dr. Who, and kinda have no plans to.] so I am not sure I was what they were looking for. However, I do have a lot of opinions and misplaced enthusiasm.

It seems like it is gonna be fun, and since it's only a few blogs a month, it's definitely manageable. Every month there is one thematic week, and God knows I LOVE a theme. And c'mon the first theme is the OLYMPICS!!! [Tangent: The one time every couple years that you will see ME lose my shit over something sports related. I live for it.] I shall keep you all updated.

Monday, January 6, 2014

My So-Called New Years Eve

Is it too late to talk about what an awesome New Year's Eve I had? Probably, but oh well, it's frigid outside and I need to stay inside and be warm and productive, so better late than never, huh? Anyway, as alluded to in this hip hop Taz inspired post, I spent my final minutes of 2013 going hoarse screaming the words to Harvey Danger's Flagpole Sita and Weezer's The Sweater Song with My So Called Band at Cannery Ballroom.

 For two people that love hermitting out so very much, I have no idea why my fella and I pick the most heinous day of the year to paint the town red every single year. Every New Year's we have been together, we hit Nashville hard. Part of the awesomeness of it all is that we are old and responsible so from that perspective, the people watching is PHENOMENAL! This year I had the "privilege" of placing myself directly next to the drunkest girl on the planet. Pouring airplane bottles of vodka down her gullet before the first guitar lick was even struck. She was soon drooling and resting her head on the front of the stage. [Tangent: This would have been the best D.A.R.E. guerrilla advertising I had ever seen..because after imbibing only 2/3 of a bourbon and coke- I was done after seeing her.] I am only thankful her friend took her out before she vomited all over everyone in the front row. It only took 3 band members calling her out from the stage to get her out of there and get her hydrated. The front is prime real estate...if you are gonna stand there, at least be conscious. Bless her heart. [Tangent: Also, to the guy behind me who repetetively shouted "PLAY SWEET CHILD OF MINE!!!" That song was made in the late 80's. Do your homework!]

Because we felt like being festive, we channeled our favorite 90s icons, Beck and Kelly Kapowski respectively. True, only about 1/10 of the audience dressed thematically while the majority opted to don things that were sparkly and black, I didn't care- I could not have been more comfortable while shimmying my ass off. A sweatshirt and Keds should be my new concert uniform.  

I've seen many a cover band in my day, but none bring it as hard and as entertainingly as they do. [Tangent:Although I have wanted to go to their shows for years, something has always come up. This was my first but definitely not my last!] Four hours after the intro [Tangent: Which consisted of the full version of the Full House theme song and the Skip-It jingle.], they were still going full force and not losing any energy or falling into any ruts. As soon as I started getting over-stimulated by dance tracks like The Train and Baby Got Back they would bounce to some Counting Crows or Guns N Roses or Snoop Doggy Dogg to break things up. [Tangent: Before the show even started, my boyfriend learned that I know all the words to Warren G's Regulate. I don't think he knew his white bread suburban girlfriend had so much street cred.]  It was fun to see these familiar Nashville musicians and personalities rotate in and out to perfectly bring back the songs from my youth. [Tangent: I also unintentionally got the prime stalker seat to watch my friend Dave from High School and college perform. It was funny and kind of jarring to see someone you know in one respect completely transform into Dr. Dre. It was badass.]

 Earlier that day my mom had asked me how old I was in the 90's. After thinking about it for a minute,  I told her it was basically 2nd-11th my entire formative years. It was the last time I listened to music without being jaded and literally could sing along with every song on the radio. I miss those days like crazy, and am thankful that for four hours in my 30's, I could be 15 again.

this is a photo of my teenage lust object with his spirit animal!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Looking back and looking forward (Tim Gunn style)

How far into 2014 do you have to be before it becomes totally passé to do a year-in-review post? I tend to think that as long as it's within the first week of January, you are grandfathered in. Because 2012 ended with such a sense of loss and confusion, 2013 was completely bizarre and a totally learning experience.

As most of you know when the ball dropped on 2012, I was still grieving the loss of the following: my dad, my job, insurance coverage (all in the same month). [Tangent: If I was without the latter 2 elements, but had dad - I would not be as completely stagnant. Dad had a way of lighting a fire under my ass and nagging me and solving my problems for me when I had totally run the course of options available. ] it was a lot to handle at once, and if I said I handled it like a champ and was cool as a cuc the whole time, my pants would be aflame from the lies. However, circumstances have forced me to adopt Tim Gunn as my personal bespectacled sensei in that I've had to "make it work". [Tangent: The other day I read the fab New Year's blog of Mary Evelyn of  What Do You Do, Dear? where she shared her tradition of coming up with a new mantra every year. I loved this concept of a personal motto so much, that I am stealing it.]
c/o this site
This year is the first time I've had the clarity and time to consider what makes me happy and how I want to spend my time on this planet. I became a gypsy. I sold belongings and bought and resold for months on eBay and Poshmark. [Tangent: This was  the most addictively fun thing I've ever done. I mean when you get $63 for a Trapper Keeper, it's hard not to catch the resale bug.] put myself out there as a writer. I applied for TONS of jobs, some I'm not even sure I wanted... Some of which I really wanted but they didn't want me. [Tangent: One which I got and worked for 3 weeks before realizing I wasn't the girl for the job...I quit without a backup plan, and shockingly felt completely free instead of scared.] I actually started using the crates of art supplies that were getting dusty in the corner. I've gone to group therapy for grief. I've had the time to travel to both coasts and beyond, and been healthier than I have in years as well as see so many of those close to me welcome new babies or new significant others. [Tangent: Seriously, 2013 was the year of the baby boom! ]
Through to September, I felt like I was on a tightrope, but now I feel like I'm on a balance beam. I feel surprisingly more stable. I feel like maybe time and focus is what I lacked to get my blog on track and remember how the creative side of my brain even worked. People I never dreamed would give a damn about this thing some are actually into it and don't consider it a total waste of time. [Tangent: The fact that people send me products and actually want my opinions is crazy.]

The new year brings with it a lot of possibility and that excites me to bits. Already in these first 4 days of 2014, I have hired someone to revamp the look of my little Kimmie logo atop this blog and have been asked to join a team of misfits as a contributing blogger (specializing in pop-culture) several times a month.  [Tangent: More details on that later.] I also have started actually revisiting my essays that I started years ago and looking ahead to some future artistic endeavors. Am I being vague enough? Good.

So if "Make it Work" was my motto of 2013, I look to Tim Gunn again for words of wisdom for 2014. I believe 2014 will be the year to "Carry on."

It seems only fitting.  And, while we are at it, here is some other sage advice from my flamboyant life coach and spirit animal. It is fairly timeless.

 Cheers, ya'll. Here's to a good year. 

Thursday, January 2, 2014

I got the magic stick...and so can you: Powerocks review and giveaway

 So have I mentioned how much I love to get free stuff and be able to give it away to people?  It makes me feel like whatever the blogger equivalent of Santa is. Well, on Christmas eve, I got a very special package from the lovely people at Powerocks, maker of the super handy mobile charging battery called the magic stick.  [Tangent: I was so excited when I opened it that I immediately waved them at my sister saying, "look what I'm reviewing and giving away!" I guess she wasn't wearing her glasses or focused on the words "magic stick" and not rechargeable battery...because she asked me why on earth I was reviewing vibrators! I guess she thinks my blog is taking some weird foray into erotica. I told her she was mistaken, but I can see where she got confused.]

These little beasts, which are about the size and weight of a mini maglite flashlight, are super handy especially for a girl like me who chronically burns her iPhone battery. [Tangent: To exacerbate this problem, I have no car charging port in my super mega robot van because it is covered by complicated beep boop equipment. Yes, it can raise and lower and is basically a transformer...but it cannot do simple things like charge my phone.] On a daily basis, my battery is running out and especially when I need it most. Intervention needed to take place and this way I get to share the joy with one of you lucky readers!  Basically, it's a must have items for the following demographics:
  • outdoorsy folks
  • forgetful people
  • people who have a phobia of being without technology
  • former boy scouts who like to be prepared
See, basically everyone is covered!

The magic stick is relatively simple to use and you can use it to not only charge phones but portable gaming systems, e-readers, digital cameras, mp3 players and GPS devices. The box says it has a 2800mAh battery capacity...which to me, means when it is fully charged, in turn, it can charge your device  fully. Impressive. It also has a handy power status checker on the base to tell you how charged it is. [Tangent: If it gives off a red light: battery is low. Green light: safe. Blue light: nearly fully charged.]

I finally cracked mine out this weekend and was thrilled with the ease of use. It came with a USB charger (as well as a handy storage bag! WHAT! WHAT!) and all I had to do was plug it into my computer until the light on the end glowed blue. When I knew it was ready,  I used my own iphone friendly USB cord to plug it into my phone. [Tangent: iPhones are the only device which has to be super difficult and not have a standard USB plugin, otherwise you could use the same plug to attach the battery to your computer as you would to attach it to your phone. Does that make sense? ] It was super easy to use, and did fulfill it's mission of bringing my phone back from death's door.

Truthfully, I have already used it SEVERAL times. [Tangent: Probably at least once a day.] If my battery is at all running low (below 20%), I just throw my iPhone cord and the magic stick external battery in my purse and I feel like I will not break down on the side of the road and be incommunicado! [Tangent: It also makes a fairly sweet mic, to practice your best Freddy Mercury face. Clearly, mine needs some serious work.]

Because it is the new year, and I want you to begin to 2014 by not having to worry about your phone pooping out on you during a heated game of Candy Crush, The lovely people at Powerocks are giving you all 20% when you shop at their online store when you use the offer code: Powerblog20 at checkout! 

They are also giving away a powerocks Magic Stick external battery in red to a lucky winner! [Tangent: If you already like my blog on FB, you get an easy entry below!] This is a $49 value, so nothing to sneeze at, folks. You have one week...until 1/9 to enter, so get on it! Good luck!

  a Rafflecopter giveaway

*All reviews are done by me and contain solely my opinions. Take em or leave em. 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Frozen is the best gay allegory you will see in 2014

Sometimes I hate the fact that I toyed with being a film studies minor in college because it pretty much removes any ability for me to just take a film at face value. Why can't I just see an animated feature with childlike wonderment and not try to dissect it in some form or fashion? [Tangent: If we are placing blame, I will also dole out a heaping helping of "thank you/no thank you" to my Folk and Fairy Tales course I took in college. Now I can't think about Little Red Riding Hood without considering that the red cloak was somehow a sign of her period. Those three credit hours came with a hefty, I pretty much can't hear a fairy tale without making it somehow about phallus or womanhood or something innately sexual. The Brothers Grimm were some progressive pervs.] Today I went and saw Frozen with my mom and my friend Angi, and the whole time was like, "So Elsa is a lesbian, right? And, this whole movie is about embracing her differences?"

OK, let me backtrack and explain, If you've seen the film [Tangent: WHICH YOU SHOULD!], you know that Elsa's "snow queen" capabilities of conjuring ice and snow are something that she was born with that always caused her shame her entire life. Instead of somehow facing her differences, her parents chose to lock her away and tell her "conceal. don't feel." To only further my suspicion, Elsa never has a suitor or a love interest. It's never even really mentioned at all. [Tangent: Not to totally nerd on you folks, but this seemed a more blatant gay allegory than when in that crappy X-Men movie, Angel tried to cut his wings off because his dad was ashamed of him...and then on the end, he was free to fly.]

And then, spoiler alert: Elsa is not truly given a feeling of belonging till she is runs away from home, and for the first time, she is not being scrutinized. She is truly free to be herself. She dances around as the voice of Idina Menzel [Tangent: An icon to gay men everywhere, and someone who played a gay female in the most decadently homo-friendly film/musical RENT!] sings:
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!
It is a truly beautiful moment in the film and made me happy this kind of character exists for all those little gay boys and girls out there. The overarching theme is you are not free from your burdens until you open yourself to love.

Don't let this deter or make you go see the movie, even though it's pretty great and you really should check it out, but don't be surprised when this becomes a cult classic in the gay community or if you go to drag night and see your favorite drag queen serving Elsa realness. You better werk, miss snow queen!*
*I can only hope the ghost of Jerry Falwell doesn't follow this blog.
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