Wednesday, January 22, 2014

matchmaker, matchmaker- make me a match (aka gmail be crazy: episode 1)

Maybe it's because I watch too much television, but sometimes I feel like my life is one big episode of What Would You Do? [Tangent: To clarify, I'm speaking of the What Would You Do? that is on ABC  on Friday nights and not the What Would You Do? that aired in the 90's on Nickelodeon and was hosted by Mark Summers. Drastically different format, but both are equally absurd.] On a daily basis, at any given moment, something happens that leaves me waiting for John Quiñones to pop around the corner, armed with a gaggle of cameras, busting me amid a moral dilemma. [Tangent: I watch this show a lot with Jamie...mostly because it tickles the snot out of us to see how many people lose their minds over John Quiñones like they are seeing Jesus walk on water. Let's call a spade a spade, he is just a kindly journalist in the middle of a diner where a woman is loudly berating her child.] 

 Let's state the obvious: I have a very generic name. Because of my popular name, I have gotten VERY accustomed to cases of mistaken identity. [Tangent: My favorite is that the other girl that shared my name in high school was a cheerleader...and at least once a year I would get her messages from student services regarding tumbling practice. NOPE.  I guess it seems silly to assume that surely I am safe from this kind of stuff on gmail. WRONG!

 For about two years, I have randomly been getting pictures sent from a cell phone and/or car insurance inquiries that were clearly sent to the wrong email address and not intended for my eyes. [Tangent: I wish I could say the pictures were scandalous..but they weren't. My name twins are equally boring. The snapped pics were mostly of a group of people sitting around a table at O'Charley's or of a girl giving massages (not sexy ones) as part of a massage therapy/PT class. Yawn. Not what one would hope...this girl is no Carlos Danger.]  Usually I just reply with "You have gotten the wrong person, please remove me from this mailing list. Please and thank you."...unless, of course, you get in your inbox the following: 

 This was all followed by several email saying "Matches are waiting for you!" Oh my, how tempting is this? [Tangent: Because I am taken, clearly I am not gonna be signing up for a paid dating website, but damned if I don't think scouring some singles ads would be pretty amusing.] Seriously, fate could have not sent me a more entertaining present if it had tried.

As much as I would love to totally start Catfishing for kick, I don't have time for more side projects in my life, so I figured what could the harm be in looking at these matches and see what singles in Texas are looking for? [Tangent: I reckon I will have to find another way to meet Nev and Max.]  I'm NOT gonna change anything or respond to any messages (AS MUCH AS THAT PAINS ME!) but her name and password is RIGHT THERE!!!! After looking over my shoulder for the shit eating grin of John Quinones, I logged in and learned that my doppelganger was a tall black divorcee. Yep, that's me.

Really all I cared about was to see what kind of gents were trying to meet the other "me." Although they listed other interests, it was clear most of them loved taking mirror selfies, using run-on sentence and misspelling adjectives [Tangent: We all make typos (I DO IT ALL THE TIME...probably in this post), but seriously dude, you're 30 and trying to impress the opposite sex, you should be able to correctly spell the word "handsome."]. Others preferred using really strange anecdotes to be alluring:
"Its kind of funny to me that I've always liked wearing western wear."

 "[love to wake to] the sounds of the horse I can see outside my bedroom Window."
 All of this being nosy  makes me pretty glad I am happily off the market, especially if this is the wasteland that awaits singles on dating sites. I did, however, find one contender worthy of someone that shares my name. So, hey, other Kimmie- if you are reading this, give the middle school teacher from Ft. Worth a shout. He seems like good peeps. 

Stay tuned for part two...because gmail has been running OFF THE RAILS lately. If you have had similar experiences of mistaken identity...of course, I wanna hear 'em!


  1. Part of me now wonders if you could be her Fairy Internet Godmother and delete all matches that will not result in a committed, healthy relationship as she wants kids "someday" and has already been divorced. You could cull her matches and send "winks" to eligible bachelors and just see what happens. LOL

    1. I REALLY WANT TO! Remaining 3rd party took every amount of restraint in my being!!

  2. This is too much power for all but the most saintly of people - which knocks us both out of the running immediately. I do sense the potential for a great Lifetime movie screenplay if you decide you want to be the next VC Andrews. ;-)


  3. Oh…oh…OH. This is a HARD one. I know what you SHOULD do but wow, it would be hard for me to not just peek in from time to time.

    Also, can you slide me the contact info for that one who likes Western Wear? I might be into that. And another "also": Did you see that someone spammed you with dating websites? :) Baaaaaaaaaaaaah.

    1. I will shoot you his info. He is the same guy as the horse guy. All that gold came in the same ad.

      And yes, I saw that spam...but I left it in because it made me giggle. It seemed apropo!

  4. I'm glad I'm not the only one always looking around for hidden cameras and good old John. I love that show but some of the scenarios are becoming a bit of a stretch. In terms of what would I do in this situation, I would do just what you did - minor snooping but no interaction. One time (many years ago) I was hanging out with a friend and she got a cell phone call from a guy who was supposed to be meeting a woman for a blind date. Misguidedly, we pretended that she was the woman and even went so far as to go to their meeting place. Fortunately, the real date was there to meet him - no harm, no foul (plus we could hear them trying to figure out all of the weird phone conversations that they never had).

    1. Thanks. Everyone was telling me I should accept dates and set her up, but I withheld. It's sad that the only thing that remains of my catholic upbringing is hellacious heaps of guilt.

      I do really enjoy your story...because it seems like something I would have done. I hope they got married and still talk about it.

  5. We were planning a big group trip to a friend's parents house in the country for 4th of July. Of course the emails got hilarious, including numerous (obviously joking)references to bath salts -- this was when the whole crazy face eating thing was in the news. Of course all the emails included "hey, I just met you! and this is crazy! But i'm on bath salts, and your face looks tasty!" Well, turns out we had the wrong Allen Huggins on our email somehow. This one was a cop out west. Luckily with a great sense of humor. He replied something like, "while your party sounds like lots of fun, you have the wrong guy!" However, we are all convinced that we are on some FBI bath salts watch list now. haha!

  6. This reminds me of how I rejected/never responded to Alicia's fiancé Greg on EHarmony, which he told me about the first time he and I met. It's hilarious and always makes me feel like a bit of a heartbreaker to remember it.

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