Sunday, February 2, 2014

zipper down delirium with Carri

Last week, I was elated to hear that my friend Carri wanted to write a piece for my blog. [Tangent: I love guest bloggers because it takes the work off me. It's like putting your feet up on the back seat of a tandem bike. Is that a good analogy? I really can't even tell anymore hence why Carri is taking the front seat for today. ] 

Here is the lowdown on my Sunday night sub, Carri. She and I used to work together and she is one of the sweetest and more inadvertently hilarious people I know. [Tangent: Learn all about her over here at Wordy Nerdy Thirty-ish. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Like it on Facebook. Through her writing she paints a picture of what its like when you are self-aware of your awkwardness and OK at laughing and sharing it with others....oh, and her punctuation is stellar. She is the one that points out my grammar the sweetest way possible.] 
Here's a picture of us walking down the aisle together (spoiler alert: it wasn't our wedding, but we are both under 5 feet tall so make a cute couple!)

She is a blogger and a mommy...but she is not what I would deem "a mommy blogger." Not that there is anything wrong with that, but instead of portraying her life to be saccarine sweet and Pinterest-y perfection, she gives real and hysterical accounts of what it's like to be a mother of four kids, 2 dogs and the caretaker of one granny and wife to one hubby. [Tangent: Oh, YES..I SAID FOUR KIDS! I love her kids so much, mostly because they are obsessed with Full House and refuse to believe that it is a rerun. Their love of Jesse, Danny Joey and company have led to fist fights, tears and adjusted dinner schedules. A family after my own hearts. Truly, my heart smiled the day she told me her daughter broke down because the 2-part wedding episode wasn't airing all on the same night on Nick At Night. My faith in the youth of tomorrow was restored.] Instead of sharing a scone recipe (even though she is a freakishly good cook) or 1000 perfectly staged photos of her kiddos, she is gonna drop some truth bombs of what it's like to be a mama with a sense of humor and reality! Take it away, Carri!

Once upon a time, I had a life that was just mine, and during that life I didn't really think about other people all that much. I ate food when I felt like eating food without wondering if anyone else was hungry. I slept without worrying that someone might need me during the night. I went places without considering whether or not I could get a babysitter. Most of all, the bodily functions of other people didn't even remotely concern me.

As of late, it seems as though that life has transformed from my own personal life to just one big extension of the lives of four young creatures who don't even really recognize me as a person. To them, I'm just the entity who feeds them and hugs them and calls them the wrong name and nags them to shower and change their underwear and do their homework and who gets up in the middle of the night to clean up their puke if need be and who gets really REALLY angry if they yell at each other even though the majority of my own communication with them comes in the form of yelling.


You just hold up.

I do have a life. I have a LIFE! It is my own life!
 Never mind that some days that life involves prying a banana out of the hands of a small boy who is absent-mindedly mashing that banana into his belly button while watching cartoons. 
Never mind that some days I'm stripping the bedsheets of an elderly woman whose bladder has seen better days. ESPECIALLY never mind that I have had a vehement, whole-hearted argument that broccoli cheese soup does NOT taste like farts and that this argument ended with no less than two people crying, and that I was definitely one of the ones shedding tears. 

I have a life. I am my own person. Why, just the other day I drove by myself to my job. On the way to work I noticed that my oversized SUV was very low on gas. I decided WITHOUT CONSULTING ANYONE ELSE! (see that?? I can do stuff on my own!) that I should stop and fill up, so I pulled into one of the local gas stations and parked and stood at the pump freezing my non-existent testicles off while waiting for the gas pump to accept my debit card. As I was standing there, I discovered that the zipper of my pants wasn't zipped.

I have this one particular pair of black dress pants that has three buttons and a short zipper, and for some reason that third button really throws me off and makes me forget to zip the zipper way more often than I'd like to admit. I've posted many a Facebook status about it. So, I guess out of sheer amusement at the predictability of finding my zipper down, I said quite loudly, "I sure have a hard time keeping my pants zipped."
it happens to the best of us. "us" being Fergie and J Biebs.
No sooner than I realized that I actually spoke these words out loud did I see a man's face slowly peer around the edge of the gas pump to look at me rather warily, and then after two or three seconds of uncomfortable eye contact he disappeared just as slowly back to his side of the gas pump. We didn't see each other again, and I watched his Ford Taurus drive off while fervently praying that he wasn't one of my kids' teachers or someone I would run into on a regular basis.
inner monologue

I don't know if everyone has these moments or if I'm just spectacularly awkward, but I would wager that anyone who knows me very well isn’t terribly surprised by this incident. If I’m being perfectly honest, I don’t even miss that old life…hell, I barely remember it. And if I’m being even more honest, I’m pretty sure I function much better when I’m arguing about farts and cleaning mashed banana out of another person’s belly button than I ever did in the past. 


  1. Ha! I'm pretty sure that guy at the gas pumps thought that he was about to have his very own "Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me but..." moments there for a split-second.

    I don't know Carri personally but I think I'd like her. I LOVE honest bloggers with a sense of humor.

    1. She has no shame which is pretty much why I love her. I cannot handle poeple that are not able to laugh at themselves.

    2. Thanks, guys! I figure at this point, why even try to be embarrassed of myself or pretend like I'm not clumsy and goofy and awkward? It would just be a lie.

  2. Great job, Carri! The problem for me is that I can't find just one awkward thing I do to write about, there are WAY too many!


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