Wednesday, May 14, 2014

chris will be missed

In the last couple weeks, I have opened and closed my laptop about a couple dozen times. Almost each time, I open blogger, hit the "new post" buton...type a couple sentences. Erase a couple sentences.  X out of it. Shut laptop. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.  I've been so hesitant with posting anything because nothing seems to be adequate, but it's the elephant in the room that I have been shuffling around for the last 2 weeks. [Tangent: I don't handle serious things well. They make me uncomfortable when I face them head on. It's far easier for me to write about Toddler and Tiaras or something trivial and unimportant. Unfortunately, my life is filled with serious things. and I wish I could say that makes it easier. It doesn't.]

Something similar  happens every May, and I have deemed it MIA MAY.  In 2011, I fell in love in May and couldn't be bothered with anything. In 2012, I got my gallbladder out and was Internetless for the entire 30 days. I wish my absence so far this may could be put in such easy to explain and less emotionally taxing terms, but it can't. On May 1st, I lost my oldest brother.

On that Thursday afternoon, he died suddenly and of natural causes from some as yet unknown thing, which is incredibly frustrating and still makes it hard to completely accept as real.  People ask me on a daily basis how I am dealing with all of it, and to be honest, it still hasn't entirely been absorbed.  My mind is not lithe enough to wrap around it. [Tangent: I've never lost someone close where it was not a planned upon death or at least somewhat expected death. We knew my dad had only a few days towards the end so it made each moment more memorable to me. I got to tell my father several times goodbye and remind him how much I loved him. I think the last thing I told Chris was something about not knowing where he could find a good deal on a tablet PC. Although he knew I loved him, it's not exactly the goodbye you'd hope to have.]

Healthwise, Chris did not take the greatest care of himself, he had some ups and downs personally and battled many different things, but his early departure from this world was not expected. Aside from his frequent sojourns to other states I have never known life without Chris.  Part of me just feels that he's out of state for a few months or maybe camping with his friends, which he did just about every weekend.

that's me and my bro.
He was 7 when I was born and was always my big brother....always will be. He gave me my middle name and my extensive knowledge of 80s metal. [Tangent: Why else would a 6 year old know all of the Guns N Roses Use our Illusion?] When we were little, we used to do this thing, which we thought was hilarious and fun, because in a pre-internet world, it was, called the Jones sandwich. The four of us would dogpile oldest to youngest and declare ourselves pieces of the sandwich. Chris was the base, the support, the bread on the bottom so the sandwich could function. He probably wasn't thrilled about it, as shown above, but he did his brotherly duty and obliged us. He was always a good sport.


He had an obscenely HUGE heart that wanted to adopt every animal he saw and every person that for some reason was getting the shaft by society. Most people who spent more than 5 minutes with him could feel his good aura. His friends were his extended family. It's a very tragic thing that there are people out there he will never meet who will never again recognize his potential for amazing. At his visitation, it was overwhelming to see all of his friends from different facets of his life convene to brag on his many awesome qualities. I wished he could be there because he would have been in the thick of it.  He dreamed of hiking the Appalachian Trail. and was so excited that he was gonna have a nephew in the fall [Tangent: Not mine. My sister is pregnant, which I have been trying to keep a secret until recently.]  His timer ran out before these things could happen. It all is just hard to swallow. Although I struggle with the abstracts of an afterlife, I know he was glad to see my dad again, and dad was glad to have his first baby there with him. Their hypothetical reunion gives me chills. 


Thanks to my friends and the blogging community for being so amazing and supportive during all of this. I love you all. Thanks for giving me some time to write this, even though it doesn't even scratch the surface of whats going on in my mind.  I promise to return to normalcy in the next few days. I have learned a lot about the grieving process in the last couple years, and sometimes the best medicine (at least in my case) is getting back to a normal routine.

16 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that the bottom bread of the Jones sandwich is no longer with the rest of the Jones ingredients, but I know he's in your heart and your mind every day. I'm sorry that what I just said sounds so god-awful cheesy. Neither you nor I seem to be adept with the seriousness of this situation, but you know that I love you and I'm here for you and I'll still keep texting you most days to awkwardly to ask how you're doing. Let me know if sushi is needed anytime soon. Love you, Jones.

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  2. Mary Evelyn SmithMay 14, 2014 at 9:07 PM

    Been thinking of you these past few weeks. Loved reading about your brother and getting to know him a bit through this post.

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  3. I can't even imagine. I am sorry incredibly sorry for your loss. As I make pretty evident, my brothers and sisters are my very best friends and losing one of them would be too hard to comprehend. I cant pretend to be an expert on any subject, let alone the afterlife, but I do believe that our family relationships continue on after we leave this crazy rock; I'm sure your dad and brother are having an amazing reunion! Please know that you have pals in CA who are thinking of you and your family and hoping that you'll find comfort in eachother. Take care!

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  4. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss! I cannot even being to imagine how difficult it must be to lose a sibling - I dread the day! My thoughts and prayers are with you and the rest of your family at this difficult time.

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  5. Thank you so much...for both your kind words and for coming to the visitation. Support in all it's forms is always appreciated.

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  6. Thank you love!

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  7. Thank you so much. Yes, I love the relationship you have with your siblings! I have always identified with it!

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  8. Thanks! It makes me sad that he never got to realize his full potential for greatness but I know he is peaceful.

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  9. I love your brand of god awful cheesy. Love you boo!

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  10. Much love to you, girl. He sounded like he had a heart as big as the great outdoors and I know that he and your Dad will watch over you and guide you through life until you can see them again. Where you'll all do a Jones sandwich because nothing else would be right.

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  11. I am sorry that I didn't realize this and wasn't there for you. :( I am so sorry for your loss. Hopes of peace for you and your family will be in my thoughts. Sarah

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  12. lots of love and good feelings toward you and your family <333

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  13. Thank you so much. It's still hard everyday but getting adjusred

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  14. That's quite alrught lovely. It was one of those times I kinda just wanted to curl up and be alone anyway

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