Something similar happens every May, and I have deemed it MIA MAY. In 2011, I fell in love in May and couldn't be bothered with anything. In 2012, I got my gallbladder out and was Internetless for the entire 30 days. I wish my absence so far this may could be put in such easy to explain and less emotionally taxing terms, but it can't. On May 1st, I lost my oldest brother.
On that Thursday afternoon, he died suddenly and of natural causes from some as yet unknown thing, which is incredibly frustrating and still makes it hard to completely accept as real. People ask me on a daily basis how I am dealing with all of it, and to be honest, it still hasn't entirely been absorbed. My mind is not lithe enough to wrap around it. [Tangent: I've never lost someone close where it was not a planned upon death or at least somewhat expected death. We knew my dad had only a few days towards the end so it made each moment more memorable to me. I got to tell my father several times goodbye and remind him how much I loved him. I think the last thing I told Chris was something about not knowing where he could find a good deal on a tablet PC. Although he knew I loved him, it's not exactly the goodbye you'd hope to have.]
Healthwise, Chris did not take the greatest care of himself, he had some ups and downs personally and battled many different things, but his early departure from this world was not expected. Aside from his frequent sojourns to other states I have never known life without Chris. Part of me just feels that he's out of state for a few months or maybe camping with his friends, which he did just about every weekend.
|that's me and my bro.|
He had an obscenely HUGE heart that wanted to adopt every animal he saw and every person that for some reason was getting the shaft by society. Most people who spent more than 5 minutes with him could feel his good aura. His friends were his extended family. It's a very tragic thing that there are people out there he will never meet who will never again recognize his potential for amazing. At his visitation, it was overwhelming to see all of his friends from different facets of his life convene to brag on his many awesome qualities. I wished he could be there because he would have been in the thick of it. He dreamed of hiking the Appalachian Trail. and was so excited that he was gonna have a nephew in the fall [Tangent: Not mine. My sister is pregnant, which I have been trying to keep a secret until recently.] His timer ran out before these things could happen. It all is just hard to swallow. Although I struggle with the abstracts of an afterlife, I know he was glad to see my dad again, and dad was glad to have his first baby there with him. Their hypothetical reunion gives me chills.
Thanks to my friends and the blogging community for being so amazing and supportive during all of this. I love you all. Thanks for giving me some time to write this, even though it doesn't even scratch the surface of whats going on in my mind. I promise to return to normalcy in the next few days. I have learned a lot about the grieving process in the last couple years, and sometimes the best medicine (at least in my case) is getting back to a normal routine.