Friday, June 27, 2014

let us pray...stay outta the zebra stripes

When I left work today, anxious to go home on "my friday", this is the situation that presented itself when I let down the ramp on my brown robot van.

*disclaimer: the woman did not drive onto my ramp....rather I let my ramp down to see if I had any chance in hell of wiggling my way into the vehicle. As you can see...I didn't!
[Tangent: I really hate to write blogs from an angry place, but damned if frustration is one of the key times the words pour out of me. Consider it my free therapy. Ya'll know from the Kia Soul debacle of 2011 that nothing can take me from perfectly calm to take-my-earrings-off-and-gullet-punch you crazy like people who don't park inside their parking spaces. I don't even have my ears pierced anymore, but I would re-pierce them myself if only to have the opportunity to remove my hoops and throw down.]

If you don't see the issue with this picture....let me explain: Everyone who has a handicapped placard has the right to park in a hadicapped space (even if they have a hidden/not obvious disability). However they do not have the right to park their vehicle in the zebra striped loading zone, [Tangent: YES. The stripes mean: STAY OUT, DOUCHEBAG!] which in my case is my only accessway to enter my vehicle. 


 Because I was outside of a hospital, I had no idea how long to expect this person to be inside. [Tangent: Were they just there for an appointment? Were they visiting a friend? Were they having surgery? WERE THEY IN A COMA!?!??!] I basically was left with little course of action except to:

A. Call security or the hospital police force to just sit there and tell me there is nothing they can do because the hospital is to vast to ask around or make an announcement and if they have a placard no law is being broken. [Tangent: Also the last time I did this, and tried to reign justice on a parking situation like this at work, when security came and we met the real owners, they turned out to be a man with no legs and his 80 year old wife on oxygen. I felt like an ass hat.]

B. Wait by my car for the owner of said vehicle to move his/her car like I am some knockoff Dog the Bounty Hunter. [Tangent: Here is my hastily photoshopped rendition of what I feel inside every time this happens...which is often.]

I opted to just run some errands in hopes that the car would have evaporated when I returned. When I got back, the car was still there all up in the stripes, but there was a lady with it rooting around in the trunk.  The woman looked frantic but I had no issue whatsoever asking if she could kindly move her car a few feet to the right. [Tangent: Oh, I neglected to mention that she had roughly 50 feet of concrete to her right that was completely available as it was the dead end of the lot.] Her response, "My parking brake is stuck on. Just pray for me."

Weird reply, but whatever, I felt slightly bad for this lady so I offered to go grab the security to help her or even let her use my AAA card to get her towed to a mechanic. [Tangent: My desperation to get home was real.] Her response, "No...no. I have AAA, too. This happens all the time. The only thing that works is prayer. Just pray for me."[Tangent: I mean I am definitely not the expert, but we are outside a hospital where lives are hanging in the balance; I will wager that if god is hanging in Hillsboro Village that his attention is elsewhere...or let's hope it is. ] In a very nice conversational tone, I took that opportunity to educate her about loading zones and what stripes mean and the importance of staying in your space when parking. This was all news to her, which was baffling given that she stated that she was no spring chicken. 

Clearly I was getting frustrated with this woman, but I usually try to at least act tolerant of people with very focused religious views. She milled around her car looking harried and intermittently making phone calls and trying to get her car to go in reverse. Nothing was working. I offered again to go get someone, her response, "Are you a Christian? Will you pray with me right now?"

Instead of saying, "no...I mean I am kinda sorta a cafeteria style Catholic at best" which would result in a very awkward long-winded speech and me going home with a purseful of pamphlets about my hell-bound soul, I opted to just bite it and go along with the woman. This led to a two minute prayer in the middle of the parking garage. Awesome. What made it slightly more bizarre was her rightfully doubting my prayer strength afterwards. "I hope that that was a mutual prayer. When two people pray together and it is mutual- it can ward off 6000 demons."  [Tangent: Ummm...that seems like fuzzy math, but I'm not up on my scriptures, so it could be straight from JC's mouth.] Ugh, my frustration was building and this was the worst time possible to prophetize to me.

Apparently, she didn't trust the strength of my  beliefs because she then got into her motor vehicle to call her cousin, who she deemed to be a true believer. [Tangent: She told me her cousin's prayers always have the power...which makes me wonder why she didn't call her immediately if she has a direct line to Jesus.] After a few more tries with starting her car, it finally popped in reverse!

Seriously, what just happened? My mind was still boggled when I called my best friend to tell her what had just transpired. We theorized that I must be some part of the TBN equivalent of John Quinones or Ashton Kutcher....like had I not driven away, Kirk Cameron would have popped out of her trunk and told me about the power of prayer. [Tangent: 1988 Kimmie would have been thrilled to meet Kirk Cameron....2014 Kimmie- not so much.] I didn't stick around to find the hidden camera.

19 comments:

  1. I just don't know about you Southerners... I consider myself a religious person (I mean, I spent five years of my life at BYU in Utah. That says something!), but I'm so uncomfortable with people being publicly weird with religion. I also consider myself a nice person. But I wouldn't have been nearly as nice as you were! I don't consider myself especially legally savvy, but I do know that's an illegal parking job, no matter what kind of parking pass you own. The South continues to baffle me. :)

    (Don't get me wrong, the same things happen here. The personalities involved are just a little different!)

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  2. yeah. I am on the boat where that kind of thing is held semi-sacred and not used in lieu of a mechanic. I think that being religious and crazy don't HAVE to go hand in hand...but so many times in TN, they do...unfortunately!

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  3. Wow. I saw your pic on instagram but I would have never guessed that a crazy story went with it. I agree with Kristine, you were way nicer than I would have been. I believe in God and pray, but wow, wow, wow. A mechanic won't help but prayer will. Wow again. That's all I can say...

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  4. That's some bonkers shit. And I LOVE it.

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  5. Wow, I really don't know what to say to that. I do understand your frustration even though I am not a driver. It is annoying to park and not have enough room for someone to unload me & my chair. As for the prayer... I believe in prayer and I do pray, but wow! Whatever works I guess...

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  6. I feel like crazy follows you and I around...but makes for some AMAZING stories!

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  7. Yeah...I posted it prior to all the crazy and just figured I would save it for the blog!

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  8. I hate ranting all the time...but if one person doesn't now about the meaning of the striped areas...maybe a lot of people don't. consider it a public service.

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  9. It does sound like a prayer was in order but more for her social skills (or lack thereof) and ability to abide by the law! With a hospital so close by, it is a wonder she didn't have the operation she so desperately needed - removing her addled head from her posterior! I'm only glad that this happened so you would have the chance to tell the tale!

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  10. That is a pretty crazy story! You were very kind to that woman!

    I have to admit I once had a pretty crazy God-as-mechanic experience (stuck in a snowbank, panicky toddlers in the back seat, on a day when most of the city had probably already called CAA (Canadian version of AAA) to get them out of a snowbank, I took a tiny handful of gravel I had managed to kick free from the ice, threw it under the front wheel, said a fervent prayer, and we drove right out like we had never been stuck) It was actually a very profound experience for me.

    I'm what you'd probably call a very religious person. However, I don't expect miracles like that every time I get stuck in a snowbank (which happens way more often than I'd like to admit) and would definitely not coerce an innocent passerby into praying with me, especially an innocent passerby whose vehicle I was rudely blocking.

    Also, this might be a dumb question, but do most handicapped parking spots have a zebra striped zone beside them? I did a quick mental review of the handicapped spots at the places I usually drive, and only one or two have the zebra striped spot. Although I might just not notice all of them, since I steer clear of handicapped spots anyway.

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  11. Yes! I have absolutely had those moments where by some stroke of otherworldly intervention, everything works out even when the odds are stacked against you, but one should not rely on that. That seems naive.

    I'm not 100% on why instances require zebra stripes. Not all spaces have them but they are very helpful in delineating how much room you have to unload. Sometimes the spaces are just made wider and closer to the entrance. I usually prefer the van only space because the striped area is almost the width of a whole car allowing me plenty of room to let my ramp down (although I can generally do just fine in a regular handicapped zone) . The downfall with the huge van only striped area is that people with tiny cars think that it is a space and will actually park in the stripes. If you go back and read the kia soul story I linked to, it talks about an incident like that

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  12. Yeah I was hopeful she doesn't always act like that but rather she was emotionally wrought from spending the day at the hospital. I'm probably wrong. She probably acts that ridiculous at all times. My boyfriend told me he thinks she is part of some bizarre parking brake minestry to show people the power of prayer. I feel like anything is possible.

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  13. I literally just laughed out loud reading this. Not at your expense, of course, but at the whole pictures of the ridiculous situation. I mean, I believe in God and all, but don't think I could ever ask someone to pray with me on behalf of my car.

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  14. oh, kimmie. there is so much i want to say to this. i gasped at the end of the 5th paragraph and then started over and read the entire post aloud to Nick, in shock. instead of typing you a novel, (since you've pretty much covered it all) i think i'll just buy you a beer. xoxo.

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  15. I'm so glad you liked! Yes we need to her together one day after work again!!!

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  16. I was really trying to figure out a way not to offend this person but it is stressful as someone who is trying to get home to see someone take no action except prayer to move their vehicle

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  17. i've been telling every person i've seen this story. it is crazy and i'm sure it was super annoying at the time but what a freaking hilarious story!!!!!!

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  18. Is this gonna be like fuckablemilhouse? I swear I was telling everyone that story for months! (So much so that my phone just auto recognized fuckablemilhouse

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  19. I don't know why she doubted your prayer abilities, I mean it looks like you didn't even key her car or anything so you must be some kind of saint.

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