Monday, September 15, 2014

THEY'RE BAAAACK: The Most Ridiculous Sexy Costumes 2014

In the years that I have been the master of this domain, there is nothing I have gotten asked about more than my annual attention paid to sexy Halloween costumes. [Tangent: If I took myself seriously or fancied myself a serious journalist (psshhhht.) than maybe this subject matter would be below me, but I know my wheelhouse. Sure, I could rant and rave about sociopolitical issues till the tides part, but I choose to use my blog as a platform to bring attention to another part of our cultural landscape that really stumps me- the sluttin' up of Halloween.] Even though, I am knockin' on the door of 32, I still  put a lot of thought and attention to a homemade fun costume. I don't take a lot of things seriously, but October 31st is sacred, mothertruckers! Because of the sanctity of the day, my initial distaste for the sexy costume stemmed not only from me thinking they are kinda trashy and more than a lot misogynistic, but because I thought they just weren't creative. However, this assessment was a little unfair, the liberties taken with beloved characters, animals, professions and hell even inanimate objects show inordinate creative license. My bad, sesxy salsa bottle, my bad. You are a true revelation, and I am sorry that I judged you.
Thankfully, my beloved one-stop shop for hooch accoutrement, YANDY.COM, is still crankin' out the nonsensical low-cut hits to show off your tas and in the case of some horrific costumes, your daddy issues. Once you fall down the costume rabbit hole on this site, there is a point of no return. There are hundreds upon hundreds of costumes and more have been added since  my 2013 roundup. To make it easier to digest, I have cut it into fun-sized categories!

Culture Shock and Awe

I know every season there is some huge hullaballoo against people appropriating cultures as costumes, but what if they are slit up to the vag? Maybe, like in algebra, two negatives make a positive.

I think this Indian Princess is hysterical, and really is pretty demure by Yandy standards. I do however think the name makes it sound like a candle scent, so I would like to campaign to rename it simply "the trail of tears." 

The vast array of Egyptian costumes, new this season, were very puzzling. I have never considered the Sphinx to be something bangable before. How was I so blind to that possibility? [Tangent: Although, to be quite honest, I think the dress part, if it were a couple inches longer, would  be almost cute for day to day.]

Objects are Sexy People Too! 

 This one isn't so bad in theory. Cute mini hat. Classic Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love" style dress. Nerdy nostalgia.  Until you consider that it is interactive and thus people are gonna be peeling pieces off your taint all evening trying to make a row.

 When I first saw this one, I sincerely wasn't sure what I was looking at. Mondrian enthusiast? Partridge family bus? Oh nope, there are Rubik's cube earrings, she's a Rubik's cube.

Even in 1995 when I had emblazoned every square inch of my 5-Star notebook with yin yangs, even then, at 13, I thought the idea of dressing like a yin yang was kinda stupid. I can only assume these two costumes are for very zen ladies that are into the duality of human nature and these looks are probably a hoot at the costume parties thrown by various philosophy departments and karate dojos.

All I can say is thank god for choices. What kind of sexy bubblegum machine do you wanna be? Are you the latex legwarmer, gumball fascinator type?  Or do you wanna shell out the extra $13 to achieve a classier look? I think if you are gonna go for sexy vending machine appeal, I think it's obvious that class is your goal..the upgrade seems worth it!

Good Enough to Eat 

 OK, sexy hamburger costumes are old hat [Tangent: I showed a different hamburger tube dress in my 2012 post.], but have you ever seen a woman in a tiny hamburger bun hat give a better "come get it" face?  Her straight outta Skinamax pout is really selling that lettuce leaf peplum so I hope this is now on the front page of her modeling portfolio.

 Oh, Mr. Peanut! "Incredible" is all  I can say.

Working Girls (Not like that...but maybe like that)

She may be a sexy dictator, but she is not the sexiest lord of fascism. Young Castro and Young Stalin would be more my bread and butter.

 Anyone can be running late to a Halloween party, stop by a Party City and pick up a slutty nurse costume..but a true genius mind to want to be a Marijuana clinic nurse. It is a very niche costume. 

Oh dear God. Do you think DeadMau5 had to sign some kind of waiver for Yandy to produce these? [Tangent: It is clear Miss Sexy Hamburger is getting all the winning looks!] I can't lie, though, that handy chest pocket for my iPhone would be a welcome addition to any outfit.

 The sentiments on that hat are nothing if not subtle. Otherwise, this is basically a uniform from Twin Peaks [Not the David Lynch version...the one with boobs and wings and beer, lest you think that this is what the log lady was wearing in her downtime.].

This one I had to look at about 700x. I scoured it for something that denoted an actual circus clown. Never in my 31 years on this spinning blue orb, have I ever seen a clown that bore it's midriff, wore no face paint or wig and had it's titties out. Is this the clown of the future? Do you think Pennywise has the cleavage to pull this off?

Beloved Characters (that may be DTF)

Ok,I almost like this one, because frankly, a cookie purse would come in handy! However, how is this actually the cookie monster? (unless you are color blind.)

To be fair, out of all the gremlins, gizmo is probably the most sultry, right?

 Jamie and I were Sonic and Tails last year and there was a point when we were scrambling to find orange pants for Jamie to wear, so he opted to wear jeans instead. Perhaps we could have circumvented that hiccup by just not wearing pants at all. Lesson learned. Also, our versions were cheaper...and warmer.

Your eyes do not deceive you. They are charging almost $100 for what you could easily make with odds and ends around your home.

There are seriously no words. 

At every Halloween party since 1995, there has ben that one guy that half-assed his costume by shelling out $9 on the way to the party on a Scream mask at Walgreens. Its the epitome of a lazy costume...well, meet it's sassy female counterpart. WHY IS THIS $58 by the way???!?!

This costume is actually kind of awesome. It's clear that it is not just a run of the mill captain, but rather a "cap'n" (crunch to be exact.) Raise your hand if you havent been attracted to a cereal mascot. I, for one, am more a Sugar Smacks Frog kinda gal, but different strokes for different folks.
Animal Magnetism

Oh man, I can't even look at these without laughing hysterically.  I don't know what it is about their poses, but it is clear they are truly channeling their inner spirit animals.

 This may be my favorite ridiculous sexy costume of the year, so I assume because of it's sheer awesome absurdity- it is sure to be a top costume this year.  I feel the need to save you guys $130, so just glue some googly eyes on your nips and pin some saran wrap strips to your micro mini, and you are the sexiest of invertebrates.

This costume is one of the more covered on the site and although, I know it looks sexy, head to toe latex cat bull suits do not breathe, my friend. Also, from "horny" puns to "lasting longer than 8 seconds",  the potential for pick-up line disasters is huge. 

And to prove that Yandy is equal opportunity when it comes it is they do...they have looks for men now! You are just some fun fur and a mesh tank away from being Mr. Funky Skunk Party Pants.

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