Sunday, December 28, 2014

Coming Clean on Christmas- I've Never Seen a lot of Classics

I have been reading all my blogger friends great holiday recaps filled with gorgeous pictures of their delightfully styled hot beverages and perfect vintage ornamented trees, and realized I can not even compete. [Tangent: To be honest I took about 4 pictures and they were all of my nephew.] I decided instead to use the standard Christmas recap post to come clean about a few things. I have been living a lie. And if Love Actually has taught me anything (aside from the fact that lighting in adult filmmaking is so important that stand-ins are needed) is that at Christmas, you tell the truth.

You see, with the exception of James Bond movies and really anything featuring Vin Diesel, I pride myself on being pretty pop culture savvy, but the truth is I have not seen 99% of classic Christmas films. [Tangent: It seems a bit unbalanced that I hadn't seen It's A Wonderful Life until 2 years ago, but if asked, I could reenact verbatim the fashion show scene in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.  It's also worth mentioning that I was terrified of Claymation Christmas specials till I was almost 30, so that very well played a hand in it. ] With the exception of Elf, Home Alone and A Christmas Story, I hadn't seen many till the last couple years when I finally checked off National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (I am prepared for that backlash) and Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. [Tangent: Maybe I am just trying to add adult subtext, but I still can't completely compute whether BergerMeister MeisterBurger was a Nazi or if his weird walk was just a stop motion thing.]

To be fair, most of these movies are such a part of life that I know all about them without ever sitting through them. For example, I knew everything I needed to know about It's a Wonderful Life from the episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where the gang was visited by an angel named Clarence. [Tangent: I just googled it, and learned that the episode in question was called "It's a Totally Happening Life." Lord,  I miss the 90s so damn much sometimes.] When people talk about these movies in casual conversation, I generally just use context clues to pretend I know what I am talking about. I don't.

Here are some that I checked off the list this year and what I thought as someone who was watching beloved classics for the very first time.

White Christmas
 Ok, maybe not the most Christmassy screen grabs, but definitely the best, right? It's odd that I have never seen this considering I am like a moth to a jazz handsy flame when it comes to musicals! I can't get enough! I do love Bing Crosby and over the top premises, but this movie was a bit long for me. I went and took a long shower somewhere in the middle of it, and I felt like I could easily pick up when I got back. However, that Sisters song has been earwormed into my mind since I saw it, so much so that I secretly wish I had a conjoined twin so we could have a vaudeville act where we perform it. [Tangent: Not sure why the conjoined element is necessary, but I think that is the twist the act is lacking. Maybe I need to ween myself off AHS: Freak Show.]

A Charlie Brown Christmas
I know. Don't even give me shit about this one. I am a human disappointment. I knew the premise: Charlie Brown  gets a crappy tree and learns the true meaning of Christmas, right? Maybe it's been a while since I have watched a Peanuts work, but I had forgotten how tragic they are. It's clear that Charlie Brown is clinically depressed and that Lucy is just a total bitch. However, I did enjoy it, mostly because we spent the duration deciding which Charles Schultz characters we most identified with. We decided Jamie was Schroder or  this kid...and I was some Pig Pen/Lucy hybrid. The truth stings.

A Muppet Christmas Carol
This is another one that somehow slipped under my childhood radar. For some reason I remember having the stuffed Fozzie bear in traditional Dickensian garb from this film, but apparently never cared enough to see the movie itself.  I can only assume my Christmas Jim Henson quota was already being met by Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas and my Christmas Carol quota was being met with the Disney version where Scrooge McDuck is cleverly cast as Ebenezer Scrooge. I love imagining Michael Cain hanging out onset running lines with Gonzo and Animal. I know it probably didn't happen, but let me have that image.

Bad Santa

Even though I watched this days ago, I still am not sure how I feel about it. So many of my friends are obsessed with this movie and quote it all the time, and I was just meh about it. I did love the little boy though. Maybe it was the fact that they made my beloved Lauren Graham into a harlot. I just can't handle that. Loralei/Sarah Braverman ain't no ho!

Well, that's it...that's my holiday secret that I am trying to rectify.  
What did you watch over the holidays? 
What movies are you ashamed that you have never seen?

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