Monday, August 24, 2015

Of Course I watched the Unauthorized Full House Story on Lifetime

I realize I have not been the greatest blogger lately, but trust I have been writing my ass off - there is just bupkus to show for it. Sometimes being a writer is an exercise in futility. Anyway, I had to break the inadvertent blog silence and give my official reaction to the Lifetime Unauthorized Full House Story....just what the public is chomping at the bit to read about: someone's opinions on a cable movie based LOOSELY on a terrible (but lovable) show from 20 years ago. [Tangent: You may remember the impromptu theme party I threw for the Unauthorized Saved By the Bell film last year, so it should not be a major news story that I was totally on board for this one.]

Although I only watched this one with Jamie and our friend Ryan, I daresay it was better than the other installment of highly dramatized nostalgia. [Tangent: I realize that is kind of like comparing baby's diapers....like saying, "don't worry this diaper is not as horrific and diarrea-filled!"]. There really was no real drama or scandal or infighting to speak of; [Tangent:...aside from a very bizarre scene where Danny and the boys did whippits and had a whipped cream fight in the prop room as a weird lifesized stuffed penguin looked on in the corner.] if anything it just showed how much they all got along.


 Aside from that the most highly scandalous thing was the Olson twins getting rich and famous and John Stamos drowning in groupies, which is not a major shock to anyone. You all have seen Stamos, right? [Tangent: Better and better each year like a fancy cheese.]

I was dreading the casting, but in all honesty- it wasn't bad and the wigs were slightly more subtle than I was suspecting. Even the guy playing Dave Coulier nailed it. There were many times I wondered if he was somehow related to the man of 1000 terrible impressions. And the guy cast as Bob Sagat may have looked nothing like him, but he sounded very similar, which is saying something, right. [Tangent: I like to imagine the actor pouring over old episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos to get the pitch just perfect.] I will give kudos where kudos are due, because trust- there were A LOT of issues I had. Buckle up- here are my top 3.

1. "Uncle Joey"


I feel like I have hopped aboard this soapbox [Tangent: For the record, the lamest soapbox ever built.] hundreds of times. JOEY WASN'T ANYONE'S UNCLE! He was Danny's frat bro. Sure, people lovingly refer to non-relatives as "uncle" all  the time, but the Tanner girls never did. Why do so many people misremember that. Included in this group, are the people who made this "unauthorized production" because several times, they slipped up and referred to him as such. I seriously almost threw the remote through the TV! [Tangent: I'm glad I refrained as that would be hard to explain...not completely out of character or a surprising reaction from me given the circumstances, but hard to explain nonetheless.]

2. Nothing was authentic to the 80s or early 90s. 


Perhaps Lifetime is working under an extremely stringent budget, or they are just lazy and think that their viewers would be too betwitched by the drama to even notice. You can't have a title card that says 1985, and then place bobo Dave Coulier in a modern kitchen outfitted with stainless appliances talking on a cordless phone.

The 80s is only 30 years ago, surely they could find a kitchen in LA that wasn't updated that they could use as a set, but even if they didn't- they don't have to make tons of clumsy references that prove they did zero research. Example: When Dave Coulier is talking to his agent on the phone (presumably in 1985), they talk about seeing his name on caller ID. HOW MANY HOMES HAD CALLER ID IN 1985! WHY EVEN PUT THAT FACT IN!?!??!

That's not at all an isolated incident. If you were new to this country and had no concept of Full House before watching this production, you might have no idea based on the costume choices by the ancillary characters or the sets that it was indeed supposed to take place in another decade.

3. Where's Mr. Woodchuck or anything original to the set?

I'm not sure  how being "unauthorized" plays into the equasion, but if you can get access to character names and plot lines, why couldn't the people at Lifetime make any attempt to make the Tanner family home look like the original. It appears they just borrowed an existing TV set (maybe from something recently cancelled).

And what the hell is this dog puppet!??!? That's not Mr. Woodchuck! Again, why include it at all if it is going to be such a blaring distraction.

I really could go on and on, but will cap it at my top 3 grievances before I get turned over to the authorities for having no life whatsoever. One would think after all this nitpickiness that I would have thrown in the towel on Lifetime and their cinematic escapades. Maybe that would be, but it seems they are reading my dream journal because next on the docket is 90210 and Melrose Place. That's gonna be one hell of a shit show!

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