Friday, August 14, 2015

Williamson County Fair-ly Insane

Fairs and festivals bring together all of my favorite aspects of life: People watching, gaudy things, over-the-top junk food and adorable animals. Every summer I get an itch in my britch to go to one of the county fairs around Middle Tennessee, but they're always in August/September when Tennessee is at peak humid and gross. [Tangent: Usually, I start to think about the mixture of heat and fried food and crowds and the smell of cow poop and the questions of accessibility, and I opt out of fair times...deciding instead to stay in AC and watch an Undercover Boss marathon and judge the wigs.] Because of the gloriously superb night weather we have been seeing lately [Tangent: 68 degrees in August!?! Thanks El Nino!] ,  Jamie and I decided to check out the Williamson County on a weeknight, where no "special free nights" were happening so no obnoxiously large groups to contend with. We also didn't plan on spending an ungodly amount of money. We had budgeted $35 for the evening [Tangent: Don't be so Dave Ramsey impressed...in reality we just didn't want to go ATM and incur fees], but that was more than enough to cram tons of ridiculous into a couple hours. 

Although I never really play carnival type games, [Tangent: For a myriad of reasons really... I don't have the upper body to throw a ball a great distance (basket, base, skee...et al) and I find carnies somewhat intimidating, I don't love being shouted at. and I just don't NEED a 3 foot minion.] I'm very intrigued with giant stuffed prizes because they are so awesomely terrible. Why are they always neon or wearing rasta wigs? Were they all manufactured in 1996? [Tangent: I guess I secretly always wanted to win a 6 foot monkey as a child, but as an adult, I am really glad my parents realized that they didn't have the car space or the finance to appease me.]  Here were two of my favorites: Stoned Rastafarian Cigar (which kind of looked like poop but the cigar band/bandana informed me otherwise) and the Camo print mallard, which I'm guessing is Duck Dynasty related by the beard and 'Murica do rag.
Because we are toddlers, our main goal for the fair was to pet/feed a cute animal, eat something deep fried and see a mini horse up close. It's the simple things in life, guys. We accomplished all these goals and more! On our way to the livestock tent, we happened upon the Great American Duck Race, which was just as magical as you would expect. They basically raced 4 little ducks in a giant rubbermaid pool whilst blasting "Disco Duck" and dispensing duck facts. [Tangent: As the duck emcee informed, duck racing is huge in Arizona. I kind of doubt this, but if anyone is reading from Arizona, PLEASE weigh in on this pressing matter. ]  I kept trying to talk Jamie into volunteering so he would get a crack at a duck whistle or a duck visor! He settled for feeding one, even though I'm pretty sure that creature was just doing it to be nice...none of them seemed at all hungry. I'm sure children had pumped them full of pellet food all day.
Maybe I have watched a few too many Final Destination films, but I am not super sold on carnival rides. The whole idea that they are routinely broken down and reassembled (along with the absence of seat belts) makes me a little leery that at any moment the pirate ship ride could fling off it's fulcrum and spill us all onto the nearby interstate. I realize that it's just my overactive (and slightly morbid) imagination at play, so I wanted to at least try my hand at the Ferris wheel. [Tangent: I was really glad that it was pretty accessible because everything was ramped (though very narrowly) and the attendants were super helpful. They clearly knew how to maneuver a power chair. Total pros!] I was not prepared that it would go so fast. This ride didn't eff around! I risked dropping my cell phone and possibly maiming someone from impact just to take this picture of Jamie and I being terrified.
We based our entire evening around an event called "Horses! Horses! Horses!" True- I am not a horse nut, but we had seen a mini horse in a blanket embroidered with "Stormy" when poking around, and we knew it was our destiny to meet Stormy....even if we had no idea what the show entailed. [Tangent: I'm not sure Horses! Horses! Horses! knew what the show was supposed to entail either. At times it was a bit of a shit show, (literally- a horse with bangs came over to the fence to drop turds by me during his showcase) but I just squealed with delight because a gaggle of Lil' Sebastians were frollicking around! It was magical.] Seeing a tiny horse prance around to Mambo Number 5 made my year, though. 
After that, we pretty much decided we had nearly had too much, so we decided to grab a snack and go. Only as we were headed to funnel dipped mecca, we happened to catch the human cannonball dude climbing into his chamber...and then be shot over the crowd, a big top, the possibly inhumane tiger exhibit and a ride!!! I can't be certain, but I think that was the point where my head exploded like one of Gallagher's watermelons! [Tangent:...I know...way to be current with a Gallagher reference!] Now all that was left was to eat some deep fried Reese's cups whilst listening to some girls really give Carly Rae Jepson their damndest at the Kareaoke tent!

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