Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Korean Sheet Masks made my Tiger Dreams Come True

I have always secretly wanted to be Asian. [Tangent: Being that my folks met in Honolulu, it is not a huge leap of logic that they both dated Asian people before finding love with each other. Not that I would want any other parents (not by a mile) but I loved the idea that I was so incredibly close to being exotically ethnic. I mean being half Polish and maybe 1/16 Native American is cool, but no one has ever looked at me and thought "what an otherworldly beauty." Instead, people are generally just offering me stuff really white people mayonnaise or sunscreen with 35+ SPF.]  I can only assume that is why I was so thrilled when my friend Aubrey, who actually happens to be half Asian and writes the blog Adventures in Aubreyland,  told me she was dropping off some Korean facial sheet masks that I had been coveting from her instagram. [Tangent: Yes. I realize that by using them, I won't actually be Korean...but a white girl can dream, right?]

Within minutes of pulling them out of my mailbox, I knew which one instantly needed to adhere to my face. Behold: Tiger MASK! 

[Tangent: Yeah, Maybe it wouldn't make me Asian, but it would make me a tiger...which was somehow even more exotic. That's some Island of Dr. Moreau shit! Dreams come true, guys.]

Of course I kept it on way longer than the 10-20 minute mark because I didn't want the fun to end. It's a wonder my face didn't dissolve off my skull [Tangent:...or since it was anti-aging that I peel it off and look like a toddler.]. Instead it just made me all smooth and moisturized; now my skin is more satin glove and less catcher's mitt. 

After the initial bout of laughter, Jamie was a bit leery of my face hidden beneath the layer of gooey paper because he said I looked like the Ripley's Believe it or Not story about the dude enduring 100s of body modifications to become a tiger. I'm sure that if tiger man is a follower of my blog (which I hope to god is a reality) that he is having a "bitch stole my look" moment and is a little irritated that I achieved that same jungle cat euphoria in a simpler and less expensive manner. 

 After I posted the picture of my stripey feline face on IG, of course some of my friends (who are like-minded weirdos) wanted on board. If you wanna get them at a cheap rate, buy in bulk on Amazon here on this link and you too can be a manimal or womanimal every night of the week for under $20! Trust I already ordered more (PRIME THAT PLEASE!). They came in today, and I am so excited to be a otter or a panda or A DRAGON!!!! 

Oh...what the's one more insanely creepy and not at all flattering picture of me in full tiger glory! 
Sweet dreams, ya'll!!

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