Sunday, May 29, 2016

What if the Bachelorette was in a wheelchair?

--> how do I say this confidently without coming off as  “that girl”? Oh well,  here goes.... The Bachelorette is back and I am really excited about it. [Tangent: I have had a very hot/cold relationship with this reality show. When it first hit the air, I was on board. I cried at Trista and Ryan’s wedding, and not so quietly lusted after Andrew Firestone. Then after a few seasons, my passport to #BachelorNation definitely got unstamped for years (I know nothing of Juan Pablo or Prince Farming). I got really sick of watching the franchise exploit women (and some men), making us as a sex (and really a human species as a whole) look not so great. Catty love-hungry size 2’s for miles and miles…it got tiresome. Then with the dawn of Kaitlyn Bristowe, I got shaken from my pretension, and decided to say "F#*k it" and jump back into that oversexed hot tub with both feet…and I’ve never looked back. It's the best! Why did I try to fight my love for those years.] After watching the shit show that was premiere, aka the dawn of Jojo, I had a random thought. [Tangent: Besides wondering how it is possible for one woman to look so stunning in champagne tones. It's just not fair.] Why has there never been a dating show contestant in a wheelchair?

 Truly, this would be a great curve ball for such a tenured series [Tangent: So much better than bringing Jake Pavelka back as a surprise guest. Ugh. Him again?] and the perfect way to prove that a chick in a wheelchair chair is super dateable.  However, there are definitely some kinks in the premise.

If you put out a casting call for potential suitors for a wheelchair Bachelorette, you're get a slurry of weird fetishists [Tangent: You know...the kinds that are finding this blog for some ungodly reason by searching "sexy girl in wheelchair diaper." Hi weirdos! ]. As intiguingly cringeworthy one gal vs 20 creeps sounds theoretically, the element of surprise is going to be way more enticing to producers. They just wouldn't tell them beforehand, because we all know springing disability on someone is ALWAYS a good idea. 

Can you imagine the limo pulling up...a ramp flipping down and out rolling me? Twitter would likely combust with equal parts shock and misplaced pity? I'm sure the letters W-T-F would be so overused that those buttons may cease to work on keyboards across the nation. 

Better yet the initial reactions from the suitors seeing their future fiancee for the first time would be worth it. Awkwardly figuring out how to maneuver a hug and realizing their line "Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day." might not work best in this particular scenario. Here's my best approximation of their faces- trying to stifle confusion while trying to come off open-minded and camera ready.

As much as I hate to admit it- the dates may not be exactly what you are used to seeing in the prime time dating reality universe. Even though I am semi-pro at wistfully staring off into the distance, navigating a sandy beach to do so is probably not the greatest idea, and I'll wager that those rugged cliffs they always seem to be jumping off of (whilst holding hands) are not exactly ADA compliant. [Tangent: It would be nice for me to point out now that these things are insanely cheesy and unrealistic for uprights as well.] There would likely be a lot of dates consisting of eating tacos and watching Netflix, which honestly seems more easy to recreate once the show is over.

Just thinking about the various "what if's" in this hypothetical only further draws attention to the extremely cookie cutter nature of the show. I mean they have yet to have a black bachelor or bachelorette or a plus-sized one...hell they haven't even had a red head make it very far in the competition, so I guess I shouldn't hold my breath until my awkward dream becomes a reality. [Tangent: And we all know a similar show will probably show up on the TLC fall schedule...because as we who watch trash TV know, they have no shame.] Thankfully I didn't wait on Chris Harrison to come calling to find my other half.

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