Wednesday, September 28, 2016

It's ridiculous sexy halloween costumes 2016 Edition (get your pumpkins out!)

Last week, I was waiting to be disappointed by the latest iteration of American Horror Story and as the minutes ticked by, I began to have a really important talk with my boyfriend...one that has been bubbling beneath the surface of our relationship for months...What do we want to be for Halloween? [Tangent: One of the things that drew me to Jamie initially was his love and respect to the most hallowed of days, Halloween. We both love the holiday and throw a lot of enthusiasm behind our costume each year, and unfortunately that has put a lot of pressure on us by our friends to show out year after year. Therefore we are super tempted to do the most shocking thing possible...and put minimal effort in. I told Jamie he should wear regular clothes and a Scream mask from Walgreen's and I will just wear a witch hat and a "this is my Halloween costume" shirt. Just kidding...we finally settled on something and I am super excited about it.] While having this conversation, I began to realize that my slothful blogging as of late means I haven't even started to work on my annual sexy Halloween costume post. Tragic. [Tangent: What's more upsetting is that I have been living with a folder of scantily clad women in costume in my iPhone since mid August. I'm so glad I haven't misplaced it or taken it to Verizon, because that (and probably a hell of a lot of other things on there) might mislead  people about my character. Like the time I was selling some bras (never worn) on ebay and I took my sim card to Walgreen's to make prints and then it just made me look like a real freak to the lovely sales associate.]  Luckily, you guys won't let me forget and I have been inundated with not-so-gentle pokes to keep me on this crucial task.

If you are new around these parts, then you are probably scratching your temples wondering what the hell I am talking about,  but one of my favorite parts of the most hallowed of weens is seeing the ridiculous sexy costumes that are unveiled each year. Seriously, pumpkin spice lattes are bullshit- this is the stuff people should get crazy pumped for.

At first, my natural inclination was thinking they were A. dumb and B. uncreative. Then I realized just because they are not my thing personally doesn't mean they are all that bad. If nothing else, they are hysterically funny (probably inadvertently.) [Tangent: You can't remain stoic when presented with a sexy Beatlejuice or Sexy Spongebob.]  Despite my resistance, they have stubbornly bore into my heart's sweet spot. 

Of course there are some looks which by nature skew towards the sexy side- a French maid, Harley Quinn, a Playboy bunny...but I love the creative genius that is a sexy chicken or a sexy corn on the cob. To me, their existence is the highest of art forms.  [Tangent: If you want to fall down that rabbit hole: you can see my obsession grow in these posts  2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015.] Although I am not the girl that aspires to be a sexy rubix cube for Halloween, I think her story deserves to be told...or better yet the costume designer who decides that a brain-bending toy from the 1980s is yearning to be sexualized. I wanna meet that guy. I think he'd be fun at a party.

Each year, I check out Yandy.com, because truly one need look no further if you are in the mood to bare your tsotchkes in a way that screams "yes! I'm dressed like a sexy gumball machine, deal with it!" Let's check out this year's crop of ridiculous thigh-high sconced getups! 

Disney a-go-go
We've all been there...sitting watching a Walt Disney production thinking, "Damn, I wanna hit that!" Sure some characters like Jasmine or Tinkerbell (or hell, if you're me- Aladdin...hubba hubba) naturally show some skin and have some pepper in their pot...but Yandy thinks, "why stop there? Why limit yourself? Who not bring the animal stars into the fold?"

Clearly, nothing is sacred, not even orphaned animals from two of the most tragic Disney films of all time [Tangent: Surely if there was a vagina- baring baby Simba, the perfect emotionally confusing group costume would be born.] . These two characters have some severe mommy issues, but who says they can't work for girls with daddy issues too? Versatility- that's a Yandy staple. Also, kudos to this sweet model for appearing easy breezy and care-free with a big top over her goodies.

I can say with 100% certainty that this is exactly what Lewis Carroll envisioned when he wrote about Alice's adventures in Wonderland [Tangent: At least I'm guessing, because the 1860s were the era of spandex/faux fur literal cat suits. I've never been fantastic at history so I refuse to fact check that.] To be honest, this saucy Cheshire cat is actually modest for Yandy standards, the thing I found curious is the bizarre placement of the tail, and the way this smizing spokesmodel chose to showcase it. She could have sassily posed with it in her hand, but no- she let it dangle in her crotch region. At least I know now that the beloved smirking feline from my childhood is packing! Meow indeed. [Tangent: 2 things. Smiriking Feline is a good strip club name. 2. This is my all time favorite Yandy model. I became familiar with her work when she was "sexy hamburger" a few years ago. A woman that can give come hither glances while donning a tiny sesame seed bun chapeau is truly a talented. THAT ISN'T EASY!]
 If you can conclude that this is Dory from Finding Dory, then you get a gold star at deductive reasoning. Aside from the color scheme and ambiguous appendages, there is nothing really that screams "fish with a cognitive disability." A lot of these costumes will have people at your halloween party asking, "So what are you again?"Frankly, this one isn't that repulsive to me. I kind of like it and I may have googled "fish lip hoodie" because that is a winning look that could possibly work for everyday, right?


Sci Fi...Oh My! 
From Leia in a gold bikini to Uhura, there are logical and iconic sex pots from outer space. These are not those, rest assured. 
Of course, George Lucas has not greenlit these sexy Chewbacca or sexy Ewok looks. Much like the "sexy space goblin" aka Yoda from years past, these are marketed as "furry space companion", and "far away galaxy bear" respectively... which in itself makes me laugh really hard. [Tangent: I sincerely love thinking about the fuzzy boots on that Chewie. It's as if the famed wookie has simply shaved from mid thigh to below the knee. It's not unheard of. I pull this move a lot in early fall when boot season kicks in. Regardless of my disgusting habits, this is more Chewbacca MILF and less Chewbacca mom]
So....I'm guessing you didn't get "spaceman" and "cyborg" from these images either? The one on the left seriously looks like a gymnastics leotard from team Brazil paired with a pom pom head band [Tangent: I like that if you get frustrated saying "but I'm a martian, duh!" then you can lose the headband and opt into something else altogether. Wearing a leotard seems more logical for a gymnast anyway]. To give credit where credit is due, I give the designer of the sex-bot mad props for his restraint in the robo-gina area. By the looks of those crazy boobs, It could have easily spiraled out of hand.

More Bastardized Characters from your Youth
You thought I was going to stop ruining your childhood with those hotsy totsy Disney looks...nope. I'm about to make you equal parts horny, shocked and nostalgic. It's a deadly combo.
I sincerely cannot remember if I have showcased this sexy Dumb and Dumber suit before, but I'm too lazy to investigate and honestly- it begs to be shown again. The girl who wears this is saying, "I wanna have a dude saying 'so, you're telling me there's a chance' all night, but I also want my ass cheeks to hang out a bit." [Tangent: I think if I were going to approach this look, I would go with Harry and not Lloyd. Orange crushed velvet doesn't make the men come a'runnin...just ask every dress I wanted to wear to the 8th grade dance.] Can I be candid? This one almost made my "i kinda like these" list.
 It's incredibly progressive and forward-thinking to not pigeon hole the weird bodycon costumes as Mrs. Pacman. I mean you could easily slap a bow on her, but I like that this sends the message that it is neither a masculine not feminine pursuit to like chasing ghosts and filling their face with balls. Oh. Wait. [Tangent: Also, Lady Hamburger is SELLING that pinky costume. Kudos for days.]
Can we all agree that Taz is the absolute worst? He doesn't really talk...he just runs and slobbers everywhere (and occasionally wears hip hop gear), so I find it curious that is getting a turn in the Yandy sunshine. I mean maybe the razor sharp teeth and tongue coming out of the navel are comely to some...but I don't get it...and I don't want to meet those folks.
Speaking of 'What the literal hell?'....I give you sexy Patrick Starfish. The world is taking crazy pills. Also a lot of starfish are hermaphroditic, so I hope you don't party with a lot of marine biologists who will make weird jokes to you about that all night.

History...now with more boobs! 
 I was decent in history. It wasn't my worst, but it was never my best subject. I am bad with dates (IN SO MANY WAYS) so I cannot confirm or deny the historical accuracy of these two costumes, so ya'll may have to weigh in. Even still, I assure you these are the best ways to prove you are interested in world events.
Alexander Hamilton is surely the founding father that I would want to know in the biblical sense, so I gather a lot of other ladies wanna show their spirit (for the man and the musical stuck in everyone's head) this Halloween. Here's the issue- men in that era wore a LOT of layers...how does one let their titties out a little? EASY! Take out the shirt layer altogether and sub in a weird necklace dicky/ascot contraption. Problem solved. [Tangent: This is another one I almost liked.]

I think we can all agree the most potent way to pay tribute and show respect for the greatest generation is to strap working propellers to your ta's. Right? This sexy WWII pilot (or something?) is nothing if not laced with subtlety.

Animal Style
From the beginning of time, women have been wearing cat ears and a corset and calling it a costume. This should not be a shocker.
 Ok. Before you laugh off this completely ridiculous costume. Consider this: Maybe this lass in the unweildy claw gloves and tiny top hat is just a big fan of the independent film "The Lobster." This is not a woman scrambling in a stupid costume, maybe she is a cinaphile. Show some respect.
Not gonna lie. I hate birds, but majestic raver parrot is a look that I would strongly consider

Something is Fishy
"Under the sea...under the sea...life can bet better...down where it's wetter...take it from me" Gross. Dammit. I just ruined a song sung by a Jamaican crab. I am not pleased with myself.
God I love a mermaid costume (as evidenced here) so my problem with these is not that a mer-kini exists [Tangent: This is America...I hope it exists!]...it's that if you think about it- it gets a bit troubling. What is the sexiest and most recognizable aspect of a mermaid? The tail. By making the only fish portion the crotch...well, let's just say things get a little dicey for me

Law & Order 
I watch the news twice a day, so I see that the position of being a police officer in the US is a controversial and often heated spot to be in, but that doesn't mean that yandy won't crank out as many iterations as possible of the standard sexy cop.
 I'm not sure if this is the way to support the blue lives matter movement, but there are stranger concepts out there. Most of these are just your run of the mill chicks with handcuffs...except that one on the far left that is just a weird two piece smattered with grenades and caution tape. Stay away? No problemo.
This decidedly non-regulation sexy prisoner uniform is one of my absolute favorites. Why? That inmate number brings back memories of the only time middle school math class was ever fun for me. Remember getting to use calculators for the first time and you felt like a golden god? Not only did you feel like you were cheating, but because you could spell Boobs with the keys:  80085. Numbers can be fun, kids! [Tangent: If I were to pull off this uniform, I would have to change the inmate number to 55378008 and only stand on my head to make the joke work. Since that is pretty near impossible, it's pretty safe to say that I will never be a sexy inmate. Dangit!]

Naughty Superheroes
There are so many sexy comic book characters on the yandy site. Some make sense. Wonder Woman and CatWoman can't help but ooze sexy vibes (because they are quite literally composed of a boustier and vinyl catsuit. The seductive quality is innate), but these not so much.
Riddle me this, Batman, do you think that weird question mark vagina adornment is on purpose or purely coincidental? I'm gonna wager they had an inkling what they were doing. [Tangent: Also, fear not, the site served up a spicy version of the Jared Leto joker from Suicide Squad...just in case you were in the mood for something even more terrible than the original.]

I think I saved my favorite for last. I give you Sexy Wolverine...sans mutton chops and adamantium claws [Tangent: Thanks nerdy boyfriend for telling me what they were called! I would have called them scissorhands.]. So, basically it is a one piece with boots. When yandy serves up a costume that is completely devoid of anything that is critical to the original character, I know they have hit their climax! [Tangent: My all-time favorite offender in this arena is the Sexy Texas Chainsaw Massacre costume - Miss Leatherface that completely lacks the titular leather face. People who wear that look on the 31st are likely confused for a Tool Time tool girl all evening.]

Whew...that post only took me two weeks to grind out. [Tangent: Pun not intended.] Also, it should be blatantly obvious to you by this point that I am not working as a Yandy affiliate...even though I am fairly certain I give their URL serious traffic. You'd be surprised how many people google "sexy care bear"...or maybe you wouldn't after reading this post. Wonders never cease. 

Which is your Favorite?  

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