Monday, October 31, 2016

Halloween costume 2016: Stranger Things have Happened.

photo booth courtesy of Chad McClarnon
 With all my pains-taking effort directed at sexy costume culture this season (and every season since I started this blog), it's clear that for Halloween 2016, I opted to be the sexiest option imaginable: a chubby toothless preteen boy. [Tangent: I feel like that sentence is gonna yield some sketchy search results from some To Catch a Predator regs, but I'm too lazy to rectify it. Move along pervs. Get off my internet!] Literally I come up with a new dumb costume idea every week of the year, so I had been juggling a couple ideas when my friend Ryan [Tangent: Who will forever be F*#kable Milhouse. If you don't remember that story, read about it here. It's my favorite thing in life.] told me he was gonna be Eleven from Stranger Things. After scrolling by a "Justice for Barb" photo on Instagram, it occurred to me that Jamie's hair was just about perfect for  his favorite character, Barb....and then I followed suit by portraying my personal spirit kid, Dustin.  [Tangent: Jamie did accuse me once of trying to "Danish Girl" him because we came up with this couples costume mere days after watching that movie.]  
Our friends Bethany and Nathan also jumped on board as Steve and Nancy, which made us even locked in further to this costume concept.  
 


It seems ironic that my bearded boyfriend who doesn't own a hairbrush or wash his face ever was super jazzed about portraying his Netflix spirit animal. [Tangent: He hadn't used a blow dryer or shaved with a non-electric razor until this past weekend. He is 37.] Equally upsetting was how stunning he was as a teen girl. His skin was awesome, which is quite a punch in the face to someone like me who spends too much time, energy and money on skincare.When I told my friend Laura that I did his makeup, she said I did "too good" a job. Everyone was unsettled and thrown aback by his new look...mostly because he hasn't been nakie faced since he was Rex Manning in 2014 and he looks like a different human. [Tangent:He lost a shit ton of weight this year with his new job, so it made him slighly svelter than he would have been any other year so it seemed like a good time to go full drag. It made me only slightly uneasy that the jacket he is wearing is MINE.]  

His costume came together incredibly easy. The weird mom jeans and loafers were from Goodwill. I found the PERFECT Barb shirt on Etsy in the Lovely Betsy shop after searching "vintage bow blouse pink" and those killer glasses were actually these reading glasses on Amazon. Because vintage trapper keepers sell for some unintelligible reason for nearly 100 bucks online, he cobbled one together out of a clear front binder and an print off of her actual trapper keeper from the show. I cannot convey how much I use google image search. My mom did his hair after following the instruction, "Just do it like yours in the 80s." and I did his makeup, which just made me sad because I finally got confirmation on how long his eyelashes are, and how wasted they are on a redheaded man.

In the grand tradition of me making myself look whatever the opposite of sexy is [Tangent: I swear next year I am wearing makeup and being a girl dammit!! Why do I always paint myself into this corner with gender role mix-ups?!?!? If there is something Freudian about that...I don't want to know.] I went full tilt on my Dustin costume. I had cords and converse, so I bought the shirt and hat on Amazon for really cheap and found a jacket that would work at Goodwill. Through some googling, I learned the best way to make yourself look toothless is by using something called "Tooth Black," which is basically black wax. If you ever had terminal braces, as I did, then it's the sensory equivalent of that weird wax you used to put over your braces if it was cutting up the insides of your mouth. It never really worked in this context, so I was happy this cheap $3 invention stayed on all night even after visits to the drink station and the mashed potato bar.  [Tangent: Also two days before the Halloween parties we were attending I decided I needed bike handlebars so I bought those up on Amazon Prime too...and returned them via UPS today. I know that's likely fraud of some kind, but sincerely what the hell am I gonna do with bike handlebars now? Let's be honest, i need that $25 more than I need to have the illusion that I'm riding a bicycle...unless I wanted to take another simulated ride with the mom from Beatlejuice and a ventriloquist's dummy. That option is now gone.]

photo cred: Chad McClarnon

As was the case the year  that Kim and Kanye stole my mermaid thunder, another high profile lady and I had similar ideas. Because Stranger Things is so zeitgeisty right now, its no shock Amy Schumer also opted to be Dustin this year, creating a real "Who wore it Better" situation.
As is always the case, Halloween just reminded me how amazing and fun and creative the people I know are...and how hard I continuously have to step up my game to stay at that level. UGH! I love Halloween so hard!  What were you...or do you have some semblance of dignity unlike this gal?

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