Thursday, December 1, 2016

Animal Babies Nursery: The Creepiest Toy Ever

I have a niece and two nephews under 5, so I'm not immersed in children's popular culture 24/7; 365- but around the holidays I casually dip my toe in so I can be the cool aunt on Christmas morning. This is not something I half-ass. I spend time scoping out toys in stores and via Google- and I have come to the conclusion that the majority of them are terrifying. Case in point- Animal Babies Nursery. This innocuous sounding toy is the creepiest thing I have encountered in a long time, and I spent the entirety of October watching horror movies. These animatronic plushes are part innocent cuddle time...part Island of Dr. Moreau...and all nightmare fodder.

My first encounter with these scary beasts was when I was combing through the gender specific girls section trying to find something freak-out worthy for my five year old niece. Misshelved among the Cabbage Patch Kids and Puppy Surprises (a nostalgic head scratcher unto itself) was nestled a Baby Animals Nursery creature called the baby kangaroo that made me audibly gasp and perhaps drop a well-earned F-bomb. [Tangent: Being that I was window shopping solo at that moment, this didn't go over well with the lululemon wrapped momarazzi hanging in the aisle. Oh well. I don't take back my reaction. It stands as valid and 100% warranted.]

I'm not a total square, I know that animals with human traits are a tale as old as time. In prior years, my eyes have been personally accosted by the likes of Equestria Girls and something called Pinkie Cooper. Both are bipedal mammals (ponies and puppies respectively) clad in go-go boots and mirco minis with human lady proportions. Seriously, I am sure they are a hit with little girls (and maybe some niche internet perv groups.) But something about these Baby Animal Nursery toys are even more aggressively upsetting than those animals from the phylum Fashionista.  I can’t even put my finger on it, but now when I close my eyes, the peaceful black is replaced with that non-blinking kangaperson. 
 Because my twisted curiosity is stronger than my need to live peacefully ignorant of the horrors of the world, I was soon flung headlong into the internet vortex of these animal babies and each one was creepier than the last. I can just imagine these thumb sucking monsters sticking their hard plastic faces out from behind a pillow and "babble" in the most terrifying of manners.

 EEK! That calico cat solifies my status as “more of a dog person"! That werid turtle abomination? The humanzee with bangs? And dear god that rabbit makes Frank from Donnie Darko look like Peter Cottontail.

I cannot pass judgement on kids today, nor do I want to. Granted I can still sing the entirety of a theme song for a cartoon based onpersonified gummy bear candies in a renaissance setting...and don't get me started on the enigma that is the Popple.  But come on,  this shit is horrifying. This weird humanoid kangaroo in a diaper with its blow up doll expression and promise to cry like a person and say the word "yummy" is enough to rob me of a week's sleep. As my friend Katie observed when I showed her the pic, "if they can hold a bottle, they can hold a knife."

Now aren’t you feeling their vacant eyes crawling on you from all sides as you hear their robotic giggles? Sweet dreams.

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